CONVERTING A VANILLA
( CLICK HERE for MEMBERS version )
( We were asked ) " Which flavor of ice cream we wanted -- coffee or vanilla . " When I asked , he said , " Oh , you choose for me . " Then he added , " But if you choose the wrong one , you're in big trouble . "
........... Erica
The term " Vanilla " is used in spanking circles to identify a person who is not " into " spanking and is an extension of the term as applied to those who do not engage in " alternative " sexual practices . Spankophiles are generally referred to as being " Chocolate " .
This page discusses ways of dealing with the challenge of getting non spankers to engage in spanking activity . There is no correct way to do this , the circumstances and attitudes vary greatly , as do possible objections .
This is an area of spanking that requires a degree of passion for success , the more that it shows , the greater the chances are of converting a " Vanilla " ( or at least getting them to try it . ) . On the other side of the coin , we have the " fact " that Vanillas and Chocolates are wired differently mentally . This difference may take a long time to change or accommodate . Alas , sometimes it will never happen . The use of passion is your best chance over a period of time .
Our SPANKING PROSPECTING , FIRST TIME and FAQ Pages have more information .
The spanking
scheme of things .
( CLICK
HERE for full page . )
( Images from : www.collarpurple.com , a BLOG site , worth a look . )
The majority of the contents of this page was posted in a thread at Southern California Spanked Wives in answer to the following series of questions :
I had an interesting conversation this evening with my x-husband via AOL instant messenger . He's having some trouble in his marriage ( she's a bitch ) and I couldn't resist suggesting that he should just spank her . I expected some reaction from that statement but I got nothing ! Not even a grunt ( cyber grunt ? ) . I never told him about my spanking interest when we were married since I was way too embarrassed that he'd be critical . I didn't tell anyone back in those days !
Well , times are different and I'm less embarrassed about this fetish . Heck , after what the world knows about President Clinton's sex life , mine seems pretty demure ! So I told the X about this club and my hidden interest . He wasn't critical at all but he didn't come close to understanding anything about it ( ( I didn't think he would . )
Anyway , it once again made me thankful that I don't have to try to get my current boyfriend to understand my attraction to spanking . For those of you who are in committed relationships to wonderful non-spanking-enthusiasts , how do you do it ? I have questions :
- Do you just deny your fetish ?
- Do you play outside you marriage ?
- Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more " okay " ?
- Do you think it's possible to convert a vanilla ?
- Who would be easier to convert ? A husband or a wife ?
- Can someone " learn " to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it ?
- What's your personal experience ? Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend ?
Copy and paste the questions if it makes it easier to reply . I'm really curious to hear your answers .
....................... Becca
The views expressed here are those of the authors , and not necessarily those of SPANKOZ AUSTRALIA .
( As you can see , there is a lot of work to do on this material and we hope to be able to get to it shortly , along with our own comments . Even so , it is useful in it's " raw " form . If there is anything raised on this page that you wish to discuss , please send an Email . )
| From: basketcase (Original Message) | Sent: 5/30/2003 6:32 AM |
|
Thanks Becca and
Schroeder for bumping up the "converting a vanilla spouse"
thread. I have read a lot of the posts from that thread and am already
trying out some of the suggestions.
I thought I might
practice what I preached in the "what do you want" thread
and ask for some advice from some of the more experienced members of
the group.
It might be a
good idea to first update you on how things have been doing and then
ask some questions.
My wife has a bad
habit of skipping meals, not just eating very little in a meal, but
skipping it completely. This has been going on for years and, as you
may expect, makes her sick quite often. She also suffers from
depression and is on antidepressants. She has the same problem of
skipping her medication as she does skipping meals, even going as far
as to take herself completely off her medication for a period of time
thinking that they are not doing any good. Of course, when she does
this I notice the change in her behavior and mood.
So I thought that
she may need a little more incentive to quit skipping meals and her
medication. Wednesday, I was on my home from class at
around 8:00 P.M. and called her from my car to let her know I was on
my way. She asked me if I could pick something up for dinner because
she was "real hungry" since she skipped both breakfast and
lunch.
Later that night,
while in bed, I told her that she shouldn't skip meals completely
anymore and that she needs a little more incentive to start
eating regularly. So I said I will put her over my knee and give
her 20 swats on her bare behind for every meal she skips each
day. Her reply was, "medium spanks?", I said,
"yes" and she put herself over my knee.
During the 40
"medium" swat spanking, I said that since she had taken
herself off her antidepressants so many times that I will also
give her a 20 "medium" swat spanking for each dose she
misses. She agreed to receiving a spanking for both reasons. I
also warned her that, if I asked her if she ate or if she
took her medication, and she lied, and I catch the lie, she will
get double spanking.
She also has a
bad habit of hitting stationary objects with her car. She has hit our
mailbox twice this year. She has sideswiped poles in
parking lots and even hit a wall inside a self-service car wash.
(Not all with the same car). So I added a lingering threat of a
spanking to the list. If she hits the mailbox or anything else,
like a metal pole in a parking lot, again. Then I will put her over my
knee and give her 100 "medium" swats on her bare
bottom, in addition to what she may receive if she skips a meal or her
medication.
I suppose a
really bad spanking day for her, (or good if she begins to like it),
would be for her to skip breakfast, lunch and her antidepressents, lie
about it, get caught in the lie, then hit the mailbox pulling into our
driveway on the way home.
I suppose the
first thing to ask, of those who actually read my post up to this
point, is what do you think of my rules as I have set them? Is there
any suggestions of things I should add or omit? Is spelling out
exactly what she will get for her bad behavior a
good idea?
She just got her
first spanking under these rules Wednesday, She was pretty good
yesterday. It will be interesting to see if she will continue, or not.
Thanks in advance
for your advice,
Basketcase
|
| From: rorb | Sent: 6/5/2003 2:06 PM |
|
| From: grantar2 | Sent: 6/6/2003 11:58 AM |
Becca, first thank you for all of your contributions to this site. In answer to your first question, no I don't deny it but neither do I advertise it. My wife knows as does do my kids. Most people in even in public will ignore it if I give my wife a firm pop on the but (as she does not protest). Second question, Never (24 years together, 20 married) she gives me absolutely everything I need. Third question, I do limit the intensity on whole. She doesn't like being the pain of being spanked. A swat can still be punishment. She enjoys the intensity of my attraction and total commitment of my attention. She accepts the use of a wooden paddle, hand, spoon and light riding crop. Fourth, yes you can convert a vanilla wife but it may not be to what you see in videos. I have been a spanker since before I met my wife and I spanked her before we got married or had sex. Having always been a butt man and having always paid attention to her bottom she has grown to need the affirmation. I always pat her butt and hold her hip especially when I am happy with her. If I am mad at her or am to busy working on projects to pay her attention she will go so far as to block my way and put her butt up until she is swatted. Fifth question, I don't have an answer. I guess either way. I would suspect with a man it would be sexual attention, with a woman emotional touching and attention. Sixth, I think you can learn to love anything especially if the behavior is strongly rewarded with something the person values. Seventh, I have converted my wife, and both my girl friends before I was married were willing to be spanked. One enjoyed it a lot and took me to new depths ranging from spanking to bondage. So the answer is yes. They may never actually love the act of being spanked but they might take comfort in the process. My wife has often teased you aren't happy with me? or you don't love me anymore? If I asked why she answers you have played with my bottom, meaning she will let me do anything if I give attention there. By the same token she knows once we start she will be cuddled literally for hours and I won't be satisfied until she has had her orgasms. I tend to snuggle an hold after spanking here whether we are leaving the house to go shopping or making out. That is the part she wants and is willing to even looks forward to being spanked to have that. Hope that helps. |
From:  Writerdude2 |
Sent: 6/9/2003 8:00 AM |
|
Great Topic! Here goes for my
first response as a new member.
My experience in
relationships has been that every one of them since college have
involved spanking in every form from playful to discipline. And not a
single lady (to my knowledge ;> ;>) had ever been spanked before
and for the ones that I still maintain friendships with they say they have
not spanked since.
My feelings are that I owe my
potential partner the curtesy of discussing my beliefs regarding
spanking once I am certain hat the relationship is taking an exclusive
turn. At that point the decision to continue is solely theirs. I am
happy to say that there were very few ladies who were repulsed by my
openness. Two of these ladies even agreed to marrying me (they also subsequently
agreed to divorce me , and no it wasn't the spanking that
did us in :>) and spanking was an extremely important component of
our relationships. I whole heartedly believe that open and honest
communication in the beginning is important to saving hurt feelings
and resentment later on.
As for friends and relatives
knowing I don't hide it nor go out of my way to share. There has been
more than one occasion of an implement, video, magazine or spanking
item carelessly left out that stimulated discussions quickly explained and just as
quickly dropped. The only time I have to admit
I was left completely flushed was when my Daughter found a ping
pong paddle with her Mothers name written on it.
However I must say that at this stage
in my life I would love to build a relationship with someone
with whom this isn't a lifestyle to explain...simply to
enjoy.
|
| From: Mia | Sent: 10/3/2001 11:00 AM |
|
Hello all. I would like to
respond to this strand.
1.)Do you just deny your
fetish?>> I did for many years, while still trying to make
him do it and make him think it was his idea.
2.)Do you play outside you marriage?>> No, but I had met someone that I was thinking about meeting. Then my husband decided to spank me. He used that as his first reason.
4.)Do you think it's possible to
convert a vanilla?>> I would say yes. My husband was and
now I think he is really into it. I think he finally saw the benefit
to spanking me. I wanted it to be discipline, for things I did wrong
or behavior that wasn't good. I explained that this could be his ace
in the hole when I was bad. It took many years, but he finally
understood that I didn't want him to be a bully, just a loving strict
husband. He likes it now, at least that's what he tells me.
6.)Can someone "learn" to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?>> Again, I'm pretty sure my husband wasn't born with this kink. I do think events in his life helped him though. For instance, he lived with his very closest friends for a few months. It was a married couple. A pastor and his wife. The pastor/husband believed in spanking his wife when she misbehaved. My husband found it intriguing. He didn't tell me this until recently. So I think they can be converted. I know he started it because he knew how important it was to me. He also knew he didn't want me going outside our marriage to find it. (I NEVER threatened him with that, just so you know.) 7.)What's your personal experience? Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend?>> When I think of the times he has spanked me in the last few weeks I hope he's converted. I would never want to go back to the place where he's forcing himself to, just for me. That never felt right and he hated it. I know it goes against his own kinks, but I trust him when he says, THIS time he really wants to share this with me. THIS time he really understands. We've had some times where he said and I believed he was going to convert but he didn't. He even spanked me a few times in those periods. But I think this time is different. We both agree that it feels different.
So, that's my answer. Mia
Ps, I just wanted to add we've
been married almost 16 years. We've been together almost 18. So this
all took a little time.
|
| From: oswald | Sent: 9/12/2002 9:39 AM |
|
Hi Becca and everyone!
I am just wondering why this
wonderful threat has somehow stopped in last autumn. I eagerly read all
the postings and got plenty of good ideas - how to convert an vanilla
husband. Apparently the successes of men converting their vanilla wives
into spankos have been more limited.
As I am very much interested in
this topic, I try to give my ideas, and I hope to get an answer or two
...???
I have been married to my
wonderful wife for 14 yrs now, her being my first and only love
partner as yet. Myself, I remember being fascinated by spanking way
back since my first clear cut erotic fantasies.
Trying to go through your
questions:
I know this sounds a bit frustrated. I have to add that we have a really loving and wonderful relationship in all other aspects. I myself have long learned to love kissing, hugging, cuddling, "normal" sex and all those things I didn't fancy before I fell in love with her many years ago. Nevertheless I very much miss this one thing. I apologize for my a bit clumsy and maybe not always correct english, but I hope you get an idea of my concern. Bye everyone, and (off topic) to all Americans I am with you with my thoughts at your very sad anniversary. Oswald |
| From: PinkLady | Sent: 9/16/2002 4:24 PM |
|
| From: B.Y. | Sent: 9/9/2001 2:19 PM |
|
This is a great thread with some
really inspiring stories. My only objection is to the title: I really
don't think it's possible to "convert" someone; it's more a
case of persuasion , intertwining our desires, and extending our erotic
repertoires.
Eileen, you're terrific! My own lover is in the same boat. Spanking isn't her main erotic thrill; exhibitionism is. It took us a long time, but we finally figured out how to weave our kinks together so that we can create really breathtaking scenes (which I'll describe below). For ten long years, I worked hard coaxing her. I tried all sorts of things, and finally, we succeeded. Our story is a triumph of empathy (going both ways), perseverance, overcoming fears and self-doubt. While the repertoire of sexual arousal for adults cannot be restructured from scratch, desires can certainly be extended (new thrills added on to well-established ones). So while spanking may never become your partner's primary thrill, it can become, for many, something they enjoy, especially because you do. Most of us derive pleasure from knowing how to drive our partners into a frenzy of arousal, and if your hubby enjoys doing that, and knows that a muttered threat to turn you over his knee is thrilling to you, then I'm betting that begins to get him stiff just looking in your eyes when he cocks his eyebrow and sees your response. So if you haven't really tried to persuade your partner and run up against a flat-out, and repeated, refusal, then it's well worth exploring whether he or she might be persuaded. (I'm going to assume, in what follows, that your partner knows about your spanking desire and that you want this to be an M/F spanking. Nothing I say precludes the reverse, but M/F is my orientation and also this board's main focus.) Here are six (pleasure-extending) suggestions: 1. Eroticize the female bottom. Visually via tight jeans, figure-hugging dresses, thongs, garter belts and stockings (they frame the bottom delightfully). Touching: encourage bottom pats and squeezes. I love walking beside my wife with my hand resting on her bottom feeling it undulate as she strides. She says it makes her 'bottom-conscious', and if I want to spank her, one route, if we're out for an evening dining and dancing, is to make her very bottom-conscious all night long by subtle bottom-touching gestures. If you're a woman who wants to be spanked, you can probably figure out all sorts of ways to make your bottom a major sexual stimulus to your lover. Go for it. Even if you never get to otk games, that rear attention will perk up your sex-life. 2. Associate bottom-smacking with other intensely pleasurable stimuli, such as oral sex and intercourse itself. This a basic pleasure-extension strategy: the constant coupling of bottom-smacking with other stimuli will 'spread' the established pleasure to the new stimulus (recall Pavlov's dogs who salivated to the bell? Human pleasure-responses are much more complex, but they are amenable to this type of conditioning.) In fact, for women wanting to be spanked, I'd start by encouraging him to smack your bottom during intercourse, and let him watch your response, when you gasp, your tummy spasms, you throw you head back and then he sees the lust in your eyes, and he'll soon become convinced that this is a really powerful turn-on for you, and that, if he were to do it otk in the future, as a form of foreplay, that it wouldn't be 'hurting' you at all but giving you an intense thrill. Or kneel up on the bed beside him, stick your bottom in his face as you go down on him, then, as you suck him, reach back and give your own bottom a smack. If his hand doesn't replace yours doing the smacking, and if the smacks don't stimulate you to suck him harder, and him to come, then I'd be surprised. 3. Another pleasure-extending strategy works more on the psychological level. Intertwine spanking with other sexual fantasies. We're actually at a very opportune moment in the history of Western culture to do this. In its formation, ours is a Christian culture where all sorts of non-procreative sexual activities and fantasies have been traditionally associated with guilt and the need for confession and atonement. (Witness the Christian flagellants of the Middle Ages.) We've recently become secular and savvy enough to realize that this guilt is misplaced, that we ought not to feel it. Yet we still do! That's a perfect psychological conditioner for consensual adult spanking. You enact the 'naughty' fantasy (recall the Christian expression 'sins of the flesh'), get that guilty rush from it, then have your partner spank away the guilt! This way, you can have your guilty-pleasure cake and eat it too. I had a major breakthrough with my wife when I discovered how I could add a spanking on to the end of her exhibitionist fantasies. Her favorite self-pleasuring material involves her being 'on display' in a situation where men are lusting after her. She's the saucy Flirt at the ball, or the stripper up on the table in a bar-room, etc. We play with this scene, and have me, her jealous hubby, show up, see her flirting outrageously with other men, become irate at her behaviour and spank her 'in front of everyone'. That completely intertwines her exhibitionist thrill with my spanking thrill. She now finds the idea of a public spanking just as thrilling as the reality would be appalling. So we play scenes with imaginary audiences, and she sinks into the fantasy head-space. 4. Work on developing bratty banter (see the great suggestions in the DARE thread!), or, for men who want to spank, at the kidding threat when she does something naughty that isn't serious, is 'disown able' (aw, darlin', don't take offense, I'm just kiddin') but can hang around in the air, and percolate in your partner's mind for minutes, or even hours, afterwards. Once again, this is a pleasure-extending strategy. Many people who've never tried spanking just love that type of kidding, testy-flirty, banter with someone they're in love with, or attracted to. Just listen in at a cocktail party conversation where men and women are flirting with one another. Often it involves risqué suggestion and testy kidding in combination. That's a natural segue into spanking. 5. Try the provocation-chase-capture game. I'll never forget, up at the cottage one summer when I was probably 16 or 17, this girl who fancied me and wanted to attract my attention, pushed me in the lake with my clothes on. She had on a bathing suit at the time, so tossing her in was not a suitable 'retribution'. When I got out, she ran away giggling, I gave chase, and naturally, when I caught her, I spanked her wet bathing-suit bottom. Talk about a thrill -- for both of us! She got me very interested in her, very quickly, believe me! I don't think spanking was really the goal for her. Hooking me was. But she got both, a very successful strategy, and I'm sure, she wasn't averse to the spanking, since it led directly to a passionate necking session. 6. A variant of 5 is play-wrestling. End the tussle sprawled across his lap, or in any position where your bottom is readily accessible to his hand, and see if you don't collect a swat. And for men wishing to see if she likes that, it's a great opportunity to check out her 'spankable quotient', since a light swat or two in that situation is probably acceptable, especially if she's got her licks in on you in other ways, so you have implicit leeway for playful retaliation, and your choice is, naturally ... I'm not claiming that these ideas will work for everyone. We're all different, and so are the partners we're trying to persuade. With some, it's not going to happen no matter what the spanko does. My heart goes out to those people. But with other partners it just might... My best to all, BY |
| From: Sassycat_2157 |
Sent: 9/11/2001 3:19 AM |
|
B.Y.,
I can really relate to your
answer to Eilene. It certainly took a long time for my husband to come
around. And I still have to encourage him that spanking one's wife is
not the terrible sin that he believed it to be, since it is
consensual. The part you wrote about Pavlov's dogs,
made me laugh because this is one of the ideas I used to encourage my
husband. Hm , oral sex and spanking, what fun!
It actually took the death of a
parent to remind me how important it is to get the most out of this
precious thing we call life.
The first time I approached
my husband about spanking me did not go as well as I hoped. Partly
this was my own fault because I went about it in a joking way ( To
protect my feelings in case of rejection). Later on I realized that I
had a responsibility to explain what I really wanted seriously. Several
months passed as I tried to put into words what I wanted. Which is
really hard when even now I keep changing what I want, how far I want
to go how many fantasy I want to explore.
But I did bring the
subject up and this time he did agree to try. He had reservations
about hurting me, about it being wrong to hit a female and about us
being equal. And I had to assure him alot.
I always loved to
tease and joke around with a bit of the brat inside and I've always
challenged authority ( not in business), but a lot of that became
subdued as I got older and had children and my responsibilities grew.
I decided to bring my old (young) self back and allowed myself free
reign to drive hubby crazy, both with my antics and my sexual
cravings. I believe he is pleasantly bewilder by it all, he certainly
isn't as grumpy as he used to be and walks around smiling more.
He certain enjoys winning
more of our discussions ( and I don't mind losing a few ,
considering the benefits.)
Anyway, I just feel if you
want something and it is important to you, just keep trying for it.
Sometimes you have to let it go for a little while, re-examine it,
come at it from a different angle and try it again. Sometimes when
push comes to shove, pushing back yields some yummy results. At least
in my case it did.
The thread is fascinating.
Good luck to all - Cathy
|
| From: Rikkired | Sent: 9/27/2001 3:26 PM |
|
Hello
Everyone...my name is Rikki (red) and I am new to this forum and this
is my first of I hope many posts.
Okay...let
me begin...
|
| From: CutieCouple | Sent: 9/27/2001 11:59 PM |
|
Hello everyone,
It's great to see the vanilla
spouses posting their experiences and thoughts here - well done to you
all for being so open and understanding.
I (the male half of the couple)
had problems with my previous long-term girlfriend in this arena.
She swore up and down that she was open-minded, but that spanking with
paddles and such was just plain weird. I came to understand that
to many people, being open-minded means endorsing what you already
believe to be acceptable. The old story of "If I do it and
like it, it's kinky, but if you do it and I DON'T like it, it's
perverted."
The good (understatement!) news
is that my current squeeze is genuinely open-minded. She had
never even heard of spanking as an erotic act. I told her early
in the relationship, and she said "Ok, let's try it."
We did. I spent every waking moment telling her how sexy she
looked over my knee, and what a fantastic bum she has (both very
true!) She is now a converted spanko, and in three weeks will
become my wife! I'm not about to let THIS one get away!
Interestingly, she has said
several times, that even though she is not a spanko like I am, she
always knew there was more to sex than she had ever experienced, and
the 'more' is spanking. For some reason, that was very good to
hear.
So I guess there are all sorts of
vanillas out there, just as we all differ in the ways we enjoy
spanking. If you are with a vanilla, do not abandon hope.
And if your vanilla posts here, I'm guessing you are on to a good
thing.
|
| From: helen | Sent: 9/28/2001 8:19 AM |
|
Aaaah, how good to read of your
stories! Welcome, Rikki-red, and wonder how you're doing?
I just wanted to say to those who
didn't know yet: My husband 'converted' about one month ago (!!) and I
am sooooo happy with him. He's a born natural. He's not a spanko and
says that couldn't have invented this himself nor would he pursue it
without me, but he tells me that he can see the great effect that it
has on me and he enjoys that more than anything and he's
willing to do whatever is needed to make that 'state' come to me. (I
smile at my own words: this is what he says. But still I
think he has the greatest talent, more than I could have ever
imagined).
By the way, he wasn't talking
about sex. He has an eye for all the rest, and I think that's the most
important thing. Of course I introduced it a little bit as if it was
just a sexual thing that you could do (like Becca suggested somewhere
early on in this thread I believe) to make it more easy for him. But
that part is only a part, and it's much harder to explain the
rest. I think the true naturals (if I should have to define that) are
the ones who can see beyond the sex part and act accordingly.
So like I said, mine IS a born
natural. I love him!
Helen
PS I said that this wasn't about
sex and it isn't really. But am I getting too personal when I say that
also in the sex department.... I didn't know that it was possible
to have sex like this after a spanking? Really, I'm still more of the
discipline than of the erotic type, but boy, what a discovery!
|
| From: Rikkired | Sent: 9/28/2001 10:44 AM |
|
Oh Helen!!
How true it is! I know exactly what you mean about the sex...I
too am more into the discipline spanking than erotic but WOWIE WOW
WOW!
I'm fine by the
way
This forum has
been so extremely helpful THANKYOU ladies for getting it started!
After reading a
couple of posts D and I had a very frank discussion about this being a
LIFESTYLE not just a new game we are playing. Well come to find
out that dear man says HE'S been into this stuff all along but didn't
know I WAS! Well I must tell you I was floored by that
confession. So spanking isn't as much as a problem for him as I
originally thought...he's never considered spanking as
something you do outside of sex but feels he can adjust.
Anyway I shared
my concerns with him that HE would suddenly stop as I had read
was happening in another relationship. He didn't think
that would happen as he finds it very LIBERATING to be able to punish
me. (his words not mine) In fact shares my concern
that I will be the one to stop!
Again we are only
in our 4th night here, and so far the most incredible sex has
happened as a result of my discipline. So I do have a minor
concern that this is only sex related but I guess time will tell.
I have expressed
my desire that this BE more than just sexual in nature...but like I
said time will tell.
p.s. We bought
our first paddle today...wonder when he plans on using it
|
| From: Vìckìe |
Sent: 3/24/2001 3:44 AM |
|
Oh my goodness, this is the
response that was supposed to go here. Somehow I reposted the one
from the other thread. Would
somebody please get rid of the one above here? Anyway this is the
correct one. It had disappeared and the previous one was still here
so I posted that one again. So sorry!
Helen, it is so sweet that you
are thinking of me. My dearest Mike did indeed give me a spanking
just two short years into our marriage. He was in the Navy at the
time, and on temporary duty at Compressed Gas School in
Norfolk, Va . Since it was to be for almost five months, he brought
me back with him. Our permanent duty station was Rota, Spain. We
didn't have much money, so I was staying with my parents in New
Jersey during the week, and he came up on weekends and we stayed
with his folks.
It was hard living apart so
after two months, Mike rented an efficiency apartment for two weeks
and I went down to stay with him. Anybody who has ever been in one
knows how confining they can be but I was happy to be with him. By
the end of the first week, I was at the limit of my patience. he was
gone all day at school and spent every evening, after dinner,
studying. When he finished studying, it was late and he wanted to
get to sleep. Everything came to a head when I decided would
no longer be ignored. Announcing that, "I need some attention,
NOW!" I proceeded to tickle the back of his neck, sit on the
table on top of his papers to kiss him, poke him, and do everything
I could to distract him. I was trying and succeeding in being the
biggest pain in the a** that I could, not knowing that is what
he shortly would be giving me.
He warned me over and over to
knock it off but I was going full speed ahead now and couldn't stop
if I wanted to, which I certainly did not! Finally I picked up all
of his stuff and dropped it on the floor in a big snit that my plan
had not worked. As I turned to go away, he grabbed my hand and
flipped me over. It was fast and deadly! I was so surprised and
shocked that I could do nothing except yelp loudly when the pain
registered. After a few minutes, he let me up and pointed to the
bed. He said to get in it and stay there or he was more than ready
to do it again. With my mouth hanging open, and my hands rubbing
away at the fire, I said "Yes Sir"! I didn't intend to say
sir, I never had called him that before, it just slipped out all by
itself.
For the next hour I lay in bed
watching him from under my eyelashes. He finished studying and came
to bed. He put his arm around me and we cuddled up and
then..................! I was on my best behavior for the rest of
our time there. I wondered if he would connect my improved
disposition and sunny outlook on life with the spanking, but he
failed to notice. That was it for the next eight years, but I
cherished the memory and it was enough for a long time. I didn't say
anything to him because I had never heard of anyone else ever
feeling like this and was sure I was a little weird. We laugh about
all of my little insecurities these days. He often says that if he
had been paying closer attention, the next twenty-three years would
have been even smoother sailing than they were.
The story of the second
time is a whole different ball of wax, and didn't end as well. I
will tell you if you are sure you want to hear a slightly darker
tale. Thank you so much for your interest!
|
| From: Bêccä |
Sent: 3/24/2001 4:18 AM |
|
Vickie, I'm hanging on your every
word! Can't wait to hear the second story... the darker tale
(sorry it wasn't nice like the first).
Helen, I was just going to ask
you if your husband ever threatened to spank you! I hope when
that happens again (and you know it WILL), you'll just huff and spin
on your heel and say under your breath "Yeah right... you and
what army, buster!".
In my pre-Andrew life, I never
would have told a boyfriend that I desired this. As you can
imagine, I got plenty of spanking threats but I always dismissed them
as absurd and changed the subject immediately so they never happened.
I thought about them frequently and wondered what I might have done to
"ask" for it without looking like I wanted it. Once, I
was being pig-headed and my boyfriend said he'd spank me if he heard
another peep out of me. I back pedaled and changed the subject
immediately and tried not to look too shocked or interested or
disinterested (silly huh!). I wish I'd said angrily "Well
then I'd be spanked but you'd still be stupid and I'd still be
right". I think that might have gotten me the spanking.
What did you say to him, Helen?
What did you do to keep your eyeballs in your head after hearing that
delicious threat come out of the mouth of your beloved? What
makes you certain that he'd not do it in a second if he knew it
excited you just a teensy little bit??
Vickie, Helen, details please!
|
| From: Vìckìe |
Sent: 3/27/2001 12:36 AM |
|
Wow! I am really so
overwhelmed. You say the nicest things here and I am so happy that I
can contribute something to thank you for all that you have done for
me. Yes indeed Becca, I know how hard it is to tell someone that
secret that lives in your heart and just won't go away (and isn't it
great that it doesn't?) But sometimes, don't all of us that waited
so long regret the wait? I am glad that you and Andrew are now
living the life you both love. Thank you for the compliments and
encouragement to keep posting. You have done such a great job with
this club and you also have the best co-managers.
And Helen, you also are saying
such nice things. I am more than happy to try to try to help you any
way that I can. Suggesting to your husband that he give you a
playful spanking is a great way to start. Most men love to play if
something they want is their reward at the end of the playtime.
Challenging him to assert his masculine authority, smiling very
sassily at him may work. It will be difficult to say the words at
first, but the results could be more than your wildest dreams. It
has happened. The only sure thing will be that nothing will happen
if he never knows. Putting a playful slant on it will be very
non-threatening.
You did ask some questions
about our relationship that I will be happy to answer. Anything that
you would like to know about us, please ask. I am completely open
and will respond as much as I can. Mike spanks three times a week.
That much is practically written in stone. They are what he calls
reminder spankings to keep me on the straight and narrow. These are
really a mix of erotic and semi-serious role play, for lack of a
better description. They can get fairly intense toward the end, and
I am tender the next day, but we also can break into uncontrollable
laughter at any time, like if I make a strange noise that he
considers funny, or he hurts a finger and says a loud "OW !"
Both have happened recently. He tells me that I so seldom do
anything wrong, he has to exaggerate little things just to give him
something to lecture about during the spanking. He does do a lot of
on-the-spot spankings for all sorts of minor things. They usually
consist of about ten swats. He has little pet peeves and I am well
aware that blowing him a raspberry will result in an on-the-spot
every time. So I accidentally do this at least once or twice a week.
Mike would be the first one to
express big doubts about "keeping me in line." He is just
not that kind of man, and I am not comfortable with the thought of
him in that role. He is the head of the household because that is
what we both want. He leads by example, encouragement, and love
and my decision to follow his lead is because I want to not because
I have to. I just answered a similar question in SWC. We make all
decisions together but if, in extremely rare circumstances, we
cannot agree, I choose to have him make the final decision that he
must live with and assume the responsibility for. And he is
willing to accept the outcome, good or bad.
Mike does give me discipline
spankings when I earn them. They happen maybe two or three times a
year. He does not like to give them any more than I like getting
them, but he does it out of love. I know I may get a lot of feedback
over that statement, but it is a fact. When I mess up big time, I am
harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. In the past, I
would be upset and dwell on this for days, sometimes weeks. Now,
Mike sees the big bad thing I have done, and we talk about it. If it
is weighing really heavy on my mind, he will send me to our room to
get ready. I get the lecture, the spanking (which is much more
severe than a reminder but mercifully much shorter), post-spanking
sitting in my chair in the corner, facing him while he lectures some
more and gauges my mood to make sure it is all out of my system,
followed by much comforting and hugging. And all of my
self-condemnation is gone and I am free to fix the error, then
forget about it and go forward. It is temporarily painful but such a
blessing to me.
I got so caught up in answering
your questions, I didn't tell the story that I promised you. I will
come back later and post it. If there is anything else you would
like to ask please do. I am "home alone" at least until
lunch, then all afternoon, and you can see that I just love to talk.
|
| From: Bêccä |
Sent: 3/27/2001 5:37 AM |
|
Hi Freddie! You made some
good points but I'm itching to answer some questions raised by Helen
and Vickie (please forgive me).
Ok, ladies.... Here's my $.02
worth:
First of all, I think I have the
kind of relationship Vickie has. Andrew and I agree that this is
fun. We know the best part of the fantasy is the giving and
receiving of "real" spankings but immediately in our
relationship we realized that we probably would never experience that
in real life because he did not desire to be involved with a woman who
"needed" to be spanked to behave and I didn't desire to
be involved in a relationship where my man would think he had to spank
me to make me behave. In short, we wanted the kind of equal
relationship Helen talks about having. So? How do you
resolve this? Well, aside from all the spanking stuff, Andrew
and I decided that he'd be the "tie breaker" in our
relationship. We recon that we'll agree and compromise 99.975%
of the time but in that tiny instance when we can't agree, I concede
that he can and should be the leader and make the decision.
Someone has to be the leader (I think) and we're both qualified
so I suggested that he assume that role. At first, he was sceptical. He didn't want a "weak" woman. LOL...
anyone think he got one?
Vickie, I love the way you said
it and Helen already quoted you but here it is again:
Those words could have come
straight out of my mouth! That really describes the relationship
I have with Andrew. However, I've been in relationships where I didn't
feel this way. I liked my partner and admired him in many ways
but I didn't respect him enough for this type of thing to work for us.
I didn't want to give in or be answerable to him for anything.
The idea of doing that was "icky" to me. If you have
this type of relationship, it might be hard to play with the mental
aspect of spanking (which is control and domination) the way we can.
I do believe that you can still do it - - but you'll have to rely more
heavily on role playing so that the role feels more comfortable
because it's clearly make-believe.
Finally, on that make believe
note, let me add that I know deep in my heart of hearts that
husbands/boyfriends who spank their woman for being "bad"
are playing a role. I love that role. I love it so much
that I don't want to ever again think of it as role playing so Andrew
and I have decided to pretend like it's not. (that's just
another part of our game). Freddie is right when he says this is
really all about trust. It is! Helen, I know that you
trust your husband and you love him very much so I'm certain that
you'll both be able to have this in your marriage when you get
comfortable enough to bring up the subject. It might not be like
Vickie and Mike or like Andrew and me, but it'll be good and it'll be
uniquely part of what you love about being married to your husband.
I've seen you grow so much since you came to this community. I
know we'll all be reading how you successfully made this work in your
marriage too!
Of course, I'm not an expert and
my opinion is just my own but I hope I'm right because all of us
deserve to have this in our intimate relationships! It's not
like we have a piercing fetish! We just want spanking! How
cute is that!
Becca
ok... that was more than $.02
|
| From: Vìckìe |
Sent: 3/27/2001 6:41 AM |
|
Here is the story I promised
about the second one even though it turned out badly for a time. I
had given birth to our third and last child a few months before
this. There seemed to be a little more post-partum depression going
on and I was unhappy with our relationship. Somehow, it got into my
head that things would be so much better for us if I stopped trying
to hide my big secret. I literally spent two weeks planning what I
was going to say to my husband.
All of this time we had been
living in our house, Mike didn't know that I had a secret stash in a
drawer of paperback books with spanking scenes in them marked by
bent pages. There was even a letter to the editor that I had found
in an old magazine in our garage that dealt with a husband spanking
his wife for pleasure and she submitting to it. In the same issue, I
think it was an old Penthouse, there was a section with old photos
and drawings titled "Hanky Spanky." I got them all
out and laid them on our bed so we could discuss the subject after
the kids were in bed.
At the time, Mike's younger
sister was also living with us. She was 21 years old and unmarried,
wasn't even dating much. After she and the kids went to bed, Mike
and I were sitting on the couch and I finally got up enough nerve to
tell him that there was something I wanted to talk to him about when
we went to bed. Having nothing else, I tried to use the thought of
the props waiting upstairs for courage. Mike was very agreeable and
said why didn't we go up right then and talk. Butterflies seemed to
have made a permanent home in my stomach, but we were at the point
of no return. There was no way he would let me say never mind. Once
a subject has been broached in our house, it is talked about for
sure.
Since I am short story
challenged as well as rhyme deficient, I am going to try to pare
this down some. I looked at Mike sitting calmly on the bed, sneaking
sideways glances at the small pile of stuff piled there, and taking
a big gulp of air said, in one breath, "Honey I know this is
going to seem really strange to you and you have no idea how could
you that I have this thing in my head and have had it for such a
long time and I have been so afraid to talk to you about it but it
won't go away and could you just look at and read all of this
stuff?" He is looking a little stunned so I very calmly (I
thought) continued, "I really think I would like you to spank
me because I need it and I hope you don't think I am nuts because I
love you but this is what I really need you to do so do you think
you could just give it a try and spank me and see how it goes?"
Now having completely run out
of gas, I waited patiently for some reaction. He was sitting there
looking at me and down at the pile next to him. He hadn't looked at
me like I was something stuck to his shoe and he was still there, so
I took that as a very encouraging sign. He picked up the letter and
read it, then he looked at me and read it again. He put that down
and started going through the pictures. I had circled one in red ink
that had a woman bent over a man's lap with her bottom bare and
glowing. I never knew how long five minutes can be when you are
waiting for just one little response. Anything.
|
| From: Vìckìe |
Sent: 3/27/2001 6:43 AM |
|
cont.
Finally, he cleared his throat
and asked me how long this had been a fantasy of mine and I told him
the story of Al, and even before. He questioned me about a few more
things and said he was not sure he would be able to do it, but he
would give it a try Friday night after the kids were in bed and
since his sister was going to be out very late that night. This was
almost more than I had hoped for, so I went to sleep with a hopeful
heart, so relieved that the secret was out and he didn't hate
me. Only two more days until Friday.
Friday came finally and seemed
like it was two weeks long. At last, I had put all of the kids to
bed and checked that they were asleep. Mike hadn't mentioned
anything since Wednesday so I was unsure if he would really carry
out his promise. I dressed in nightgown as usual and went downstairs
and sat next to him on the couch. When the show was over that he was
watching, he got up without a word and locked all of the doors. He
came and sat down next to me and urged me first to my feet and then
across his lap. Without a pause, he lifted my gown and gave me a
very thorough spanking. Yes it hurt a lot, more than one had ever
hurt because I had never been bare before and he went on for about
five minutes. I got up, and the first words spoken since it all
started was that we were going to go to bed now. We went up and I
was watching him but he seemed okay with things, just a little quiet
and we made love. I felt very happy but was slightly on edge because
he seemed not quite himself.
Everything was normal the next
day. We didn't talk about the night before. The two older kids were
playing in the back yard and the baby was napping when Mike's sister
came in and we sat around the table to talk. I went into the kitchen
to get some sodas, when I heard my dear husband say to his sister,
"Would you believe that Vickie likes to have her bare butt
spanked?" I stopped dead and was sure that if there was any
justice in this world a hole would have opened in the floor so I
could drop through forever. Even worse, his next sentence was,
"I talked it over with my friend Jim at work and he said it
seemed a little strange but if that was what she wanted, I should at
least give it a try. So last night I spanked her." Stomach hit
the throat and heart hit the floor.There was nothing to do but go
and face the music, so I went back in the dining room with the
drinks. His sister was looking at me like I was an alien species,
but I just looked at her and said that Mike had it all wrong. It was
something I had heard about and was curious but now that we had done
it, I hated it and we would never do it again. Then I looked
sideways at my love and if looks could kill, I would be a long time
widow.
I was betrayed. I couldn't
believe that this man that I loved and trusted with my whole being
could tell my deepest secret to not just one, but two people that I
knew. When we were alone, I told him that what I had just said was
true and I never wanted him to mention it again. I also told him
that if he ever tried to do it again, I would leave him. And for 15
years, it was never mentioned again. Since hindsight is infallible,
I know now that he was not breaking my trust at all. This poor guy
was hit with this surprise all at once. I had had many years to get
used to the idea and I hit him with it out of the blue. There was no
resource he could go to for help so he tried to get some answers the
only way he could. Nowadays computers and clubs like these are such
a source of information and support for everyone.
So fifteen years later, with
everything forgiven and understood, I gave it the one last try you
have read about. I am very glad that I did because the last ten
years have been everything I had hoped for and more. And now I
promise to try to never write ANYTHING this long again.
|
| From: Bêccä |
Sent: 3/1/2001 3:18 PM |
|
Patty,
If your husband doesn't have his
own spanking kink and he doesn't appreciate that you are aroused by
being spanked and he thinks spanking you is abusive or evil or mean
(?) then you'll never get the spankings you want from him.
The fact that you desire to be
submissive is not surprising to me since its natural for a spankee to
crave that. It's also natural for a spankee (or
"bottom" or "submissive") to have a smart mouth
since that's a useful tactic to get our men to deal with us.
For many years, I never told my
partner(s) what I craved since I thought it would be meaningless
unless it was unspoken and totally spontaneous. In my
fantasy, I would push my partner to the brink of insanity and he
would have no alternative but to grab me and spank me vigorously.
There was no discussion, no consent, no sexual desire. Just a
"perfect" spanking. I've since learned that it's WAAAAY
more complicated than that. For example, I don't want a man who
would do this with no knowledge or care of whether or not I
desired it. It's just too close to being a "beating"
if you take all the kink out of it. The hardest thing
for me to come to terms with was that this spanking desire comes
from a sexual place in my head and for that reason, it's not as
"forbidden" as I fantasized for 25 years. That
killed a little bit of the excitement for me but it allowed me to come
to a place in my relationships where I could actually ask for (and
get) what I wanted. (I love you, Andrew!!).
I'm not arguing with you since
you know your relationship better than anyone but I still stand by my
advice that (in most cases) you'll have to appeal to a vanilla man's
penis if you want to make him feel enthusiastic about spanking his
woman.
Becca
|
| From: Johnsbaby | Sent: 3/5/2001 2:40 AM |
|
I'm not Becca, but I will add my 2
cents worth anyway. I think we have to be totally upfront and tell
them exactly what we want in regards to discipline spankings. Unless a
man has the "spanking kink" himself I think it is really
hard for him to actually spank (hit) a woman repeatedly to the point of
pain. Which is what a spanking is all about. But, I think most men,
have
been brought up not to hit girls when they were young,( and that's
a good thing). But ,I think vanilla men, of which my husband was one,
have trouble separating the hitting, which we don't want ,with the
loving discipline, which we do. At least in their minds, maybe. I hope I
am making myself clear.
Anyway, we had always spanked for
fun, but I really felt the need for a strict husband to
discipline me when I needed it.
I started out by telling him
about these clubs and that was what I wanted in our marriage. He is
still not really as strict with me as I would like ,and feel
that I need . I just tell him what I want and why and how something in
me needs that. My husband is not a mind reader or a very good hint
taker either. So, unless I want to be frustrated and angry , I have to be
very straight with him about my wants and needs.
|
| From: Angie | Sent: 3/6/2001 4:07 AM |
| Hi all, I haven't posted before now, because all I really had to offer were sympathies, as I am not in your boat, and don't really have any advice to offer. But since my name was used in vain here :) I figured I would drop in for a moment. [ Angie knows what I'm talking about here. I'm going to hold my nose up in the air and refuse to tell him what's wrong. He's going to have to figure it out, "if you love me, you'd know",...Shana] What Shanna refered to above was what got me my first corner time from my hubby (but not my first discipline spanking). I knew I was into spanking since a kid, and knew that my mom, and a lot of the women around were spanked by their men, and it all seemed right to me. I tried to get boys in high school to spank me, for fun or real, but none of them picked up on the not so subtle hints. So I dropped them. Same thing in college, and after. Wasn't till I was 25, and met this guy 8 yrs older than me, that I got spanked by someone other than daddy! Happened early on in our dating, and he let me know who was boss, and so I knew I had to marry him! All I can say is that I lucked out, and found someone who is into this like I am, and I wish you all the best too. Good luck, and let your guys come to the site and read, and tell them that while you may kick and squeal and cry during a spanking, you won't break, and you will be able to sit again. Love, Angie |
| From: Reived | Sent: 3/6/2001 4:03 PM |
|
Hello, I also have not posted before. Great club by the way. I have had an experience the may add a little insight to this topic. I personally have been interested in spanking as far back as I can remember, of course as a child I saw it as an exercise of power and control. When I first started dating my x wife (I was 17 and she 16), I spanked her once for borrowing (stealing) my car (she didn't have a license). Now at this point she was upset but didn't break up with me but actually went around telling most her friends what I had done. Now to me it was a semi-erotic, very controlling exercise. To her it was just discipline. I took me 11 years to realize this but we never met eye to eye when it came to spanking (or anything for that matter, lol). She simply was not "into" it and when I spanked her. She either submitted to it just for my pleasure (which it terrible) or because she thought she deserved it on some level. It was a very immature relationship and of course resulted in divorce. But if there is any advice I can give it is to make sure you have a good understanding about what you really want and talk about why it interests you. -Matt |
| From: Vickie | Sent: 3/21/2001 11:28 AM | |
|
Hi Helen thanks for your kind welcome. I kind of do have some knowledge, but I am sort of shy at first in a new place, and everyone here seems so comfortable sharing among themselves. And Janet thanks for the warm and friendly words. You may be sorry you encouraged me. I am happy to meet you both. Since I have been eavesdropping on all of you for a couple of months now, and you are so friendly, I feel that it is only fair if I share a bit of myself. Mike and I have been married for all of our adult lives. We were both teenagers when we married and are socked into middle maturity for a while now. My darling husband knew nothing of my desires until right after our 25th wedding anniversary, when I opened my heart to him. To say that this gentle soul was surprised was an understatement of mammoth proportions. He had, on two occasions previously, put me over his knee and spanked the contrariness right out of me. He pushed every button I had including the one to be good, and he never even knew it. The first was after two years of marriage and before any kids came along. The second of these was after ten years of marriage and the birth of our third and last child, so I finally decided that fifteen years was plenty long enough to wait for number three. I threw caution to the winds and outed myself. I would like to say that I made him his favorite dinner and lit candles before we cuddled up so I could tell him what was on my mind. It was not at all like that. I wrote him a long letter (about ten pages) and put in his nightstand drawer. Then I called him at work and left him a message on his voice mail about it, taking the phone off the hook afterwards so he could not call me back. When I saw his car pull into our driveway, I ran and locked myself in the bathroom. I think I was just a wee bit nervous about his reaction. Thirty minutes later, after he had read the letter, Mike was trying to talk me out of the bathroom. I finally unlocked the door and came out when he said he was going to get a screwdriver and take out the lock. He had this very odd look on his face and was looking at me in a very calculated manner, with a smile that was trying to break free. Since I had already proven my bravery, I promptly started to bawl (crying is too refined a word for what I was doing) and told him I needed to go into therapy because I was surely insane. And that sweet, wonderful man, instead of comforting me started to laugh his ever-loving butt off! Now this was the epitome of insult. I was ready for him to think I was crazy and commit me but I was no way prepared for unmitigated glee. How dare he? I stormed off saying, "Forget it!" And he came after me saying, "If a spanking is what you want, then I will be more than happy to oblige. Now come here!" My heart went into my throat and panic hit. He was really going to spank me? And I had asked for it? I was definitely insane. I started running and he caught my arm just as our youngest son came in the front door. SAVED! But after our son was asleep in the wee hours, I found out that he had no intention of forgetting, and I will never forget the spanking given to me that night. It has been some years since that night, and Mike has never stopped. There have been ups and downs, but my vanilla husband has become chocolate of the darkest and richest kind. I asked for erotic hand spankings, and he has added reminder spankings with many different instruments, and discipline spankings with a few more severe tools. He has bought many implements and made some more. A flogger made with thirty-six leather thongs is his latest creation. Now it seems that I am the more vanilla member of our twosome (but by just a smidgen!) Have I said that I am a very content and happy woman? Sorry for the long second delurk, but you did say to post anytime, didn’t you?
|
||
| From: rozyrosey | Sent: 2/25/2001 9:05 AM |
|
Do
you just deny your fetish? I did mention
it a few times early in our marriage, but I rarely do
anymore because I am embarrassed about "my kink."
Do
you play outside you marriage? Nope, I feel it would
be cheating.
Do
you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally
sexual to make it more "okay"? He did give
me a few swats during sex once....
Do
you think it's possible to convert a vanilla? Hmmmm.
I'll let you know.
Who would be easier to
convert? A husband or a wife? I
think it would have to be easier to be on the "giving" end.
Can someone "learn" to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it? I think a man can learn to love it (especially if it is a major turn on for his wife), but I personally think a woman has to have it already in her to really "love" it. What's your personal experience? Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend? Nope |
| From: Cshrimp1 |
Sent: 2/25/2001 5:46 PM |
|
This discussion is what this club is all about and I find that my experiences over the years are not unique to me after all. My wife is vanilla but has on occasions agreed to play. It took a lot of 'nagging' (Dare I say pleading) and sometimes 'bribery'. (A little alcohol has also helped.) We've tried 'Spanking forfeits', spanking games, costume dramas etc. For her it was always 'under duress' and only on very rare occasions did she really let her hair down. The 'lead in' was often fun, but when we got down to the nitty gritty she froze. She accepted it but showed no reaction at all. I always held back, fearful that by being too hard I might put her off all together. She was brought up to 'lie back and think of England'. Women were not supposed to actually enjoy IT. She has changed some, after all we have had six children, but she always feels a little guilty |
| From: wishin | Sent: 2/26/2001 6:23 AM |
wishin |
| From: Redleg | Sent: 2/26/2001 8:03 AM |
|
Well now that I have seen how
some answered I will give it a try and
answer the questions by number. Those you read my previous posts
I hope aren't too bored.
|
| From: jackie | Sent: 2/26/2001 8:43 AM |
| I am in a relatively new
relationship. Although we have been friends for awhile we have just been
a committed couple since November. My fiancé was vanilla until we met.
Although he loves spanking me, and is very good at it, he is very much
afraid to do so in a disciplinary manner. I am not overly interested in
spanking sexually. I honestly believe in the male spanking the female
for disciplinary reasons. My fiancé is not in any way a violent man. He
is quite loving and gentle. He just told me this weekend that he would
not spank me when he is angry with me. This is the first time he said
this clearly. I told him that if abuse is not in his character he will
not lose control during discipline. Am I wrong? Is it possible to work
this out? I am 45 years old and this will be my second and I hope last
marriage. I want it to be right for both of us and disciplinary spanking
is important to me. Could it be my partner is truly "vanilla"
and not a true spanker? Any thoughts? jacki |
| From: Bêccä |
Sent: 2/26/2001 9:53 AM |
|
Jackie,
You ask a really good question. I
think your fiancé can learn to see your need for disciplinary spanking
as part and parcel of the same spanking kink that makes you like the
play ones. In this sense, the discipline spankings are play but
they're disguised as real discipline and they occur when discipline
issues arise. Since it would be unfair and unacceptable for a
man to spank a woman completely against her will, the fact that it is
your will should (hopefully) make discipline spanking feel more
acceptable to him.
In my own relationship, Andrew
and I decided that "real" spankings were so much at the
heart of our kink that we wanted to just agree up front that they
would be woven into the larger fabric of our intimate
relationship. We've discussed this in great depth so that we can
understand the underlying emotion and ensure that there are no hurt
feelings. I don't think he'd ever be able to do it otherwise
(since he's a gentle, loving, man - - but don't be fooled... he CAN
spank!).
It may take some time but your
sweetheart will come to trust that you want a spanking
discipline dynamic in your relationship because it's sexy and
romantic and makes you feel loved and cherished and it feels good to
think about it even if it makes your fanny sting like blazes when it's
happening. In my opinion, the craving
that you have for discipline spankings comes from a sexual
place in your head. Even the most vanilla husband or boyfriend
can understand and appreciate a sexual need and is probably more eager
to respond to it than a vanilla wife. I'm certainly not an
expert on this subject but I've given it considerable thought and
these are my conclusions.
Becca
|
| From: Patty | Sent: 2/26/2001 3:03 PM |
Hi, I just joined this group and
I need help. My husband has spanked me before for discipline
reasons but he seems to have come up against a roadblock. I have
asked for spankings for very definite offenses and he just seems to not
care. I know that he is a very gentle man but he definitely wants
to be the head of the household. That is fine with me but
how do I get him to act on that? I am running out of ways to
explain to him that it really matters to me and that I need for him to
discipline me when necessary and not wimp out. Any suggestions?
|
| From: Patty | Sent: 3/1/2001 1:37 PM |
|
Hello again! Becca, thank you for your prompt response, I just wish you had something better to tell me. I really don't think that tying sex into spanking would make him more accepting. I honestly believe that he doesn't want to hurt me or go too far and that is why he is holding back. As far as being submissive, he knows that is what I want to be but am having a hard time controlling my smart mouth. That is one of the reasons that I recently asked for a spanking but didn't get it. I don't want to go outside my marriage for this. I love my husband dearly and would rather go on burying my need for domestic discipline rather than take the chance of hurting him. G-Man, that was an interesting story but I believe that my husband would "kill" me if I were to do something like that. He is an extremely jealous man and that would really set him off. Any other ideas from a man's perspective? Thanks. |
| From: G-Man | Sent: 2/24/2001 3:13 PM |
|
|
| From: Redleg | Sent: 2/24/2001 3:14 PM |
|
WELLLLLLLLL. I have been
married to a vanilla for 26 years. We did play a little when
first married, but she got absolutely nothing out of it. How do
we do it? Its called respecting your partner's wishes.
Besides, my enjoyment of play or even discipline, is gained as much
from the partner enjoying or getting something from it (as in closure
from discipline) as anything. I restricted my interest to
mainstream movies and TV and some books until the net came along.
I think she is aware because some of the books she recommended to me
"Hey, you will like this one" contained some spaning scenes.
I consider my friendships I have made on the net real, but the
play fantasy, albeit interactive' just like reading a book, but
with a lot of help .
I have never met anyone I have met on the net r/l. I have
had the opportunity, I just declined. I made a vow and
intend to keep it. However, if, God forbid, I would become eligible
again, I think I would have to insure the SO was a brat, a
lady to be sure, but still a brat .
That's about all I can say. Doesn't answer many questions you
posed Becca, but there it is anyway.
|
| From: Slem | Sent: 2/24/2001 4:11 PM |
|
Redleg,
nice answer! would you mind if I ask one question, and I fully
understand if you say "Mind my own Business", did you feel
frustrated at all at times in your 26 years, or do's the fact you have
a great wife compensate for it?? am sure it is at least nice you don't
have to keep it a secret.
and
here's my atempt at answering your great Questions, Becca.
Do you just deny your fetish? I did for many years deny it, not just to others, but also to myself, was up in mid 20's before I thought why should I, and off course older you get more wise, and learning all the time, realiased its not hurting anyone else (Or in fact myself) so why deny it. From 30's onwards, I don't go around broadcasting, but if it comes up, I go straight out with it, have told my Brother (He just said, not surprised). Do you play outside you marriage? After 2 years of my Marriage after it was plainly evident, it was not going to be successful to "Play" in it, I was allowed to play outside, on the stipulation that it was non sexual, which at times was hard, because it is Erotic, but I kept to that condition out of respect for my wife. She did try, bless her, but it was just not "In" her. Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more "okay"? Of the Girlfriends before and after Marriage, it would depend on how it had come up, to get to play, off course it it was someone that had never done it, then would go easy and yes make it sexual, or a play atmosphere with lots of laughter. Do you think it's possible to convert a vanilla? Yes and No, mm let me explain that, I think there are off course lots of different opinions with Vanilla's, You could meet a Partner, who has it in them just it needs to be brought out, you can gently hint, and if hints, are taken i.e. "Oh behave or I will put you over my knee" then its a good possibility the person is up for some fun, There are others who do like to be fondled and to be touched a lot on bottom during love making ! its not so hard to gently bring in some gently spanking (And that brought once a response "Oh Spanking" to which I obviously said "Oh do you like spanking" and very quickly she was soon over lap). Then there are those who straight away show their disdain for it, and you can write them off straight away. Then there are those like my Ex Wife, who really wanted to, to please me, but it just from beginning starting off being keen and interested went downhill ! (I told her on third "Date" and said "If she felt she could not handle that aspect off me, we should not go further, oh she was sure it was no problem back then) Who would be easier to convert? A husband or a wife? This would have to be my personal opinion, but I do think it is probably easier to "Convert" a wife, if she is like warm hearted and already fun inclined and likes her bottom touched a lot already. But having said that, if a vanilla husband who likes Bottoms can not be converted then, that amazes me. (Very Good Question, this one, could discuss it really for hours) Can someone "learn" to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it? Like G-Man says I think "some" can learn to like it, but feel there has to be something there already, maybe not full blown, having dreamt of spanking before, but like I said a tad curious or have always giggled or thought it funny to get a smacked bottom etc. What's your personal experience? Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend? Yes have converted a couple, two who really surprised me took to it and one is as mad as me about it now (Is that really possible ha ha) and she is even a member of this club now. |
| From: Redleg | Sent: 2/24/2001 10:28 PM |
|
I do have a GREAT wife and as you
said, there are other compensations, but she would not engage in
anything considered a fetish. As far as the fetish, it was more
of a "Don't ask, Don't tell" approach. To this day, I
do not know if she has any fantasies as she would never share hers.
Perhaps the nuns did a superlative job during her education.
As far as I could determine she got only one spanking in her life..
That was in first grade. She said she missed home so much she
would cry when her mother left her at school and the teacher would put
her in the cloakroom. Finally, after a week or so of this
morning ritual, , in exasperation the teacher came in and said enough
then gave her a good whack with her hand. My wife immediately
stopped crying (she always was a little on the reverse Psychology side
of things, even if her major was Psyh ). And yes there
were times I was frustrated by her abject lack of interest, I am human.
But life is a trade off and the world wasn't built with a fence around
it with my name on the mail box....LOL. Like I said the internet
has taken a lot of the little frustration I have had out, for here I
can at least share with people their experiences and
fantasies.
|
| From: JanetB | Sent: 2/24/2001 10:32 PM |
|
Great Topic!
Kudos to Becca and Patrick!
1. Do you
just deny your fetish?
I denied it until I was 23, married with two children.
My husband (ex-husband now) and I were having problems and I left him.
We remained separated for about 8 months, but got back together.
We were laying in bed talking about our problems and I casually stated
that maybe if he spanked me, he'd feel better. So he just hauled
me over his lap and did it!
2. Do you
play outside your marriage?
I never played anything outside my marriage, nor my current
relationship. "D" and I have discussed this, and while
he say's that it would just be play if he ever did, Insist that if I
ever found someone else that I wanted to "play" with, I'd
leave him first.
3. Do you
play with your partner, but limit the intensity or keep it totally
sexual to make it more "okay"?
My partner and I "play", but there is a realism to the
"fun or erotic" play. Then of course, you have the
non-play or punishment spankings, which are very intense and not
sexual at all.
4. Do
you think it's possible to convert a vanilla?
I think it's possible to convert a vanilla, but that really depends on
the person. In my personal case,
"D" was a vanilla, but had the ear-markings for a wonderful
Top. He has a very domineering attitude, but not in a over bearing
way. He is very self-assured. When we were just
starting out, he asked me what my fantasies were. I was very
embarrassed, but admitted my desire to be spanked. He was very
interested in accommodating me. That was 4 years ago, and while
we don't play every week, he does find time to "play" my
fantasy at least twice a month. He has very much gotten into
spanking me. (Bless his heart), just because I enjoy it.
5.
Who would be easier to convert? A husband or a wife?
I
don't know who would be easier to convert, as I have never had a wife,
and don't ever intend to. I think that as far as converting
another person, it really depends on that other person attitude about person
relationships. I have found that if a person is open minded and
has a sense of adventure about most things, that they may be
more easily converted into spanking.
6. Can
someone "learn" to love this or do they need to be born
with the kink in order to really be into it?
I feel that people can learn to love just about anything. If a
vanilla learns to love this lifestyle, who is to say that they didn't
have the kink to begin with.
7. What's
your personal experience? Have you ever converted a boyfriend or
girlfriend?
Oops! I think I answered this in my previous answers. Yep,
#4.
|
| From: b-henry1 | Sent: 2/25/2001 1:47 AM |
| First of all, what is the difference between Becca and Becca*? Things like that that drive me crazy!!! Now that I got that out of the way, kudos for a great topic!! I didn't even even read all the way through your list of possible approaches before I had to start writing! My first marriage doesn't meet all of your qualifications ( it was a terrible marriage, and my ex-spouse didn't even become respectable, much less wonderful, until I left), but it's close enough to be included in the discussion. I think what's interesting about my ex-wife's "vanilla-ness" is that it wasn't genuine, but she claimed it was. Let me explain. We were high school sweethearts, much too serious for our own good, and each of us very insecure. We got pregnant, and marriage was the only "right" thing to do. Even when we were dating, I couldn't restrain my spanking enthusiasm, and she complied, sometimes willingly, sometimes protesting, but I never forced her. After we were married, she began to use the idea of spanking to spark my interest, and then, afterward, accuse me of doing something "wrong". The interesting thing is that when I refrained from mentioning , or engaging in , disciplinary activity, she absolutely demanded it!! I can only believe that, although she came to embrace the idea, it was yet another way to get me to feel guilty (which, at the pre-Internet time, was not difficult). My evaluation of the experience is that if two people are genuinely in love, revealing one's spanking interest will not endanger the relationship. If the relationship is contentious, it can be a liability. I am now engaged to a wonderful, gorgeous redhead (yes, Irish!), previously vanilla, who has absolutely embraced the whole idea of spanking, and it has become just one of the many ideas that we have been able to add to one another's experience. I guess my short summary would read, "If you really love each other, it won't matter"! |
| From: Bêccä |
Sent: 2/25/2001 2:37 AM |
|
Wow! Wonderful
replies!
I'm still curious tho:
|
Buy her the book, "When Someone you know is Kinky" It will help her accept your fetish. http://www.kinkybooks.com/shopping/shopaddtocart.asp?productid=33&quantity=1
Or rent some movies that have
spanking clips in them and talk about it. Start with McLintock
! , Eyes
Wide Shut
, The
Secretary and move up to the Story
of O eventually as an art film. Tell her somebody recommended that you
watch it. But don't start there. ( See CINEMA
SWATS SERIES for later on . )
Movies That Are Smarter Than Us
Eyes
Wide Shut
. The name itself implies the complex ironies to be found throughout this
fascinating study of Nicole Kidman's and Tom Cruise's sexy, ripple - chested
marriage. I have always thought this to be an under exploited topic so I was
glad to finally see it make the big screen. Although, I must admit, I was a
little disappointed when the most pressing questions were never answered: (i)
Is Tom Cruise gay and his marriage to Nicole Kidman just an elaborate ruse
to fool the public? and (ii) What the f*** is up with their involvement with
Scientology? Freaks! Eyes Wide Shut was ground- breaking in and among other
things, its gratuitous use of female nudity. One would assume that Stanley
Kubrick just wasn't seeing enough at home after all of his subscriptions ran
out. However, on closer evaluation, the finely choreographed hump-action
throughout the orgy scene (despite the censorship) is truly brilliant. (I
had to watch it eleven times to be sure).
Perhaps you would like to try your luck at online matchmaking :
( You can try your luck in the general community , or you can use adds such as those above to meet someone who already has some interest in spanking , or both ! )
Join Adult Friend Finder - largest Adult Personals with over 3 million members!
How I ( Sort of ) Converted My Vanilla Husband
HOW CAN I PERSUADE MY STRAIGHT - LACED ( THOUGH LOVING ) WIFE ?
HOW CAN I GET MY HUSBAND TO SPANK ME ?
Southern California Spanked Wives
