CONVERTING A VANILLA

(  CLICK HERE  for  MEMBERS  version  )

 

( We were asked ) " Which flavor of ice cream we wanted -- coffee or vanilla . "  When I asked , he said , " Oh , you choose for me . "  Then he added , " But if you choose the wrong one , you're in big trouble . " 

........... Erica

The term " Vanilla " is used in spanking circles to identify a person who is not " into " spanking and is an extension of the term as applied to those who do not engage in " alternative " sexual practices . Spankophiles are generally referred to as being " Chocolate " .

This page discusses ways of dealing with the challenge of getting non spankers to engage in spanking activity . There is no correct way to do this , the circumstances and attitudes vary greatly , as do possible objections .

This is an area of spanking that requires a degree of passion for success , the more that it shows , the greater the chances are of converting a " Vanilla " ( or at least getting them to try it . ) . On the other side of the coin , we have the " fact " that Vanillas and Chocolates are wired differently mentally . This difference may take a long time to change or accommodate . Alas , sometimes it will never happen . The use of passion is your best chance over a period of time .

Our  SPANKING PROSPECTING  ,  FIRST TIME  and  FAQ  Pages have more information .

The spanking scheme of things .
(  CLICK HERE  for full page . )

vanilla.jpg (13865 bytes) vanilla 1.jpg (13332 bytes) vanilla 3.jpg (13582 bytes) vanilla 4.jpg (14099 bytes)

( Images from :  www.collarpurple.com  , a BLOG site , worth a look . )

The majority of the contents of this page was posted in a thread at  Southern California Spanked Wives  in answer to the following series of questions :

I had an interesting conversation this evening with my x-husband via AOL instant messenger .  He's having some trouble in his marriage ( she's a bitch ) and I couldn't resist suggesting that he should just spank her .  I expected some reaction from that statement but I got nothing !  Not even a grunt ( cyber grunt ? ) .  I never told him about my spanking interest when we were married since I was way too embarrassed that he'd be critical .  I didn't tell anyone back in those days ! 

Well , times are different and I'm less embarrassed about this fetish .  Heck , after what the world knows about President Clinton's sex life , mine seems pretty demure !  So I told the X about this club and my hidden interest .  He wasn't critical at all but he didn't come close to understanding anything about it ( ( I didn't think he would . )

Anyway , it once again made me thankful that I don't have to try to get my current boyfriend to understand my attraction to spanking .  For those of you who are in committed relationships to wonderful non-spanking-enthusiasts , how do you do it ?  I have questions :

 
  1. Do you just deny your fetish ? 
  2. Do you play outside you marriage ? 
  3. Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more " okay " ? 
  4. Do you think it's possible to convert a vanilla ? 
  5. Who would be easier to convert ?  A husband or a wife ? 
  6. Can someone " learn " to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it ? 
  7. What's your personal experience ?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend ? 

Copy and paste the questions if it makes it easier to reply .  I'm really curious to hear your answers .

 

....................... Becca

The views expressed here are those of the authors , and not necessarily those of SPANKOZ AUSTRALIA .

( As you can see , there is a lot of work to do on this material and we hope to be able to get to it shortly , along with our own comments . Even so , it is useful in it's " raw " form . If there is anything raised on this page that you wish to discuss , please send an Email . )

 

 

From: basketcase  (Original Message) Sent: 5/30/2003 6:32 AM
Thanks Becca and Schroeder for bumping up the "converting a vanilla spouse" thread. I have read a lot of the posts from that thread and am already trying out some of the suggestions.
 
I thought I might practice what I preached in the "what do you want" thread and ask for some advice from some of the more experienced members of the group.
 
It might be a good idea to first update you on how things have been doing and then ask some questions.
 
My wife has a bad habit of skipping meals, not just eating very little in a meal, but skipping it completely. This has been going on for years and, as you may expect, makes her sick quite often. She also suffers from depression and is on antidepressants. She has the same problem of skipping her medication as she does skipping meals, even going as far as to take herself completely off her medication for a period of time thinking that they are not doing any good. Of course, when she does this I notice the change in her behavior and mood.
 
So I thought that she may need a little more incentive to quit skipping meals and her medication. Wednesday, I was on my  home from class at around 8:00 P.M. and called her from my car to let her know I was on my way. She asked me if I could pick something up for dinner because she was "real hungry" since she skipped both breakfast and lunch.
 
Later that night, while in bed, I told her that she shouldn't skip meals completely anymore and that she needs a little more incentive to start eating regularly. So I said I will put her over my knee and give her 20 swats on her bare behind for every meal she skips each day. Her reply was, "medium spanks?", I said, "yes" and she put herself over my knee.
 
During the 40 "medium" swat spanking, I said that since she had taken herself off her antidepressants so many times that I will also give her a 20 "medium" swat spanking for each dose she misses. She agreed to receiving a spanking for both reasons. I also warned her that, if I asked her if she ate or if she took her medication, and she lied, and I catch the lie, she will get double spanking.
 
She also has a bad habit of hitting stationary objects with her car. She has hit our mailbox twice this year. She has sideswiped poles in parking lots and even hit a wall inside a self-service car wash. (Not all with the same car). So I added a lingering threat of a spanking to the list. If she hits the mailbox or anything else, like a metal pole in a parking lot, again. Then I will put her over my knee and give her 100 "medium" swats on her bare bottom, in addition to what she may receive if she skips a meal or her medication.
 
I suppose a really bad spanking day for her, (or good if she begins to like it),  would be for her to skip breakfast, lunch and her antidepressents, lie about it, get caught in the lie, then hit the mailbox pulling into our driveway on the way home.
 
I suppose the first thing to ask, of those who actually read my post up to this point, is what do you think of my rules as I have set them? Is there any suggestions of things I should add or omit? Is spelling out exactly what she will get for her bad behavior a good idea?
 
She just got her first spanking under these rules Wednesday, She was pretty good yesterday. It will be interesting to see if she will continue, or not.
 
Thanks in advance for your advice,
 
Basketcase
From: rorb Sent: 6/5/2003 2:06 PM
  1. Do you just deny your fetish?  I serve it up softly. 
  2. Do you play outside you marriage?   Never.  My faith and my love for my wife will not allow it.
  3. Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more "okay"?  I limit the intensity because I find that is enough to drive me wild and turn her on.  I have not approached the discipline spanking because I am not certain I want to.  I feel it can be demeaning.  We keep it very sexual, but her butt is red at the end of our sex.  Its aggressive but passionate.
  4. Do you think it's possible to convert a vanilla?  I think she has grown to love it by associating mild taps with sex, and then slightly harder taps with sex, then slaps and spanks, and hard ones.   So I believe that it can be an acquired taste.  
  5. Who would be easier to convert?  A husband or a wife?  I think it would be easier to convert a husband because I believe most men get turned on by the thought of a smack on the round rump of a vivacious lady.
  6. Can someone "learn" to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?  One can learn to love it.  I think that is what my wife is doing.
  7. What's your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend?  I guess I kind of answered this question already.   My wife and I never dabbled in spanking before this last year.  I read some letters to the editor in some men's magazines that turned me on; and I remembered talking about other kids spankings when I was young.  I read more letters and saw a few spanking magazines over time.  I fantasized a little about spanking and perused the internet sites.  Last year I started  with a mild pop or two to my wife's backside during foreplay.  Well, it seemed she liked it.  I have gradually increased the spanking foreplay where it has become pretty wild and passionate.  She has been very turned on.  But we have only communicated physically about it, not orally.  My vanilla wife seems to like it just as it is, with me creating a fire on her backside, while in the midst of making certain her front side is well taken care of. 
From: grantar2 Sent: 6/6/2003 11:58 AM
  1. Do you just deny your fetish? 
  2. Do you play outside you marriage? 
  3. Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more "okay"? 
  4. Do you think it's possible to convert a vanilla? 
  5. Who would be easier to convert?  A husband or a wife? 
  6. Can someone "learn" to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it? 
  7. What's your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend? 

Becca, first thank you for all of your contributions to this site. In answer to your first question, no I don't deny it but neither do I advertise it. My wife knows as does do my kids. Most people in even in public will ignore it if I give my wife a firm pop on the but (as she does not protest).

Second question, Never (24 years together, 20 married) she gives me absolutely everything I need.

Third question, I do limit the intensity on whole. She doesn't like being the pain of being spanked. A swat can still be punishment. She enjoys the intensity of my attraction and total commitment of my attention. She accepts the use of a wooden paddle, hand, spoon and light riding crop.

Fourth, yes you can convert a vanilla wife but it may not be to what you see in videos. I have been a spanker since before I met my wife and I spanked her before we got married or had sex. Having always been a butt man and having always paid attention to her bottom she has grown to need the affirmation. I always pat her butt and hold her hip especially when I am happy with her. If I am mad at her or am to busy working on projects to pay her attention she will go so far as to block my way and put her butt up until she is swatted.

Fifth question, I don't have an answer. I guess either way. I would suspect with a man it would be sexual attention, with a woman emotional touching and attention.

Sixth, I think you can learn to love anything especially if the behavior is strongly rewarded with something the person values.

Seventh, I have converted my wife, and both my girl friends before I was married were willing to be spanked. One enjoyed it a lot and took me to new depths ranging from spanking to bondage. So the answer is yes. They may never actually love the act of being spanked but they might take comfort in the process. My wife has often teased you aren't happy with me? or you don't love me anymore? If I asked why she answers you have played with my bottom, meaning she will let me do anything if I give attention there. By the same token she knows once we start she will be cuddled literally for hours and I won't be satisfied until she has had her orgasms. I tend to snuggle an hold after spanking here whether we are leaving the house to go shopping or making out. That is the part she wants and is willing to even looks forward to being spanked to have that.

Hope that helps.
From: Writerdude2 Sent: 6/9/2003 8:00 AM
Great Topic! Here goes for my first response as a new member.
 My experience in relationships has been that every one of them since college have involved spanking in every form from playful to discipline. And not a single lady (to my knowledge ;> ;>) had ever been spanked before and for the ones that I still maintain friendships with they say they have not spanked since.
My feelings are that I owe my potential partner the curtesy of discussing my beliefs regarding spanking once I am certain hat the relationship is taking an exclusive turn. At that point the decision to continue is solely theirs. I am happy to say that there were very few ladies who were repulsed by my openness. Two of these ladies even agreed to marrying me (they also subsequently agreed to divorce me , and no it wasn't the spanking that did us in :>) and spanking was an extremely important component of our relationships. I whole heartedly believe that open and honest communication in the beginning is important to saving hurt feelings and resentment later on.
As for friends and relatives knowing I don't hide it nor go out of my way to share. There has been more than one occasion of an implement, video, magazine or spanking item carelessly left out that stimulated discussions quickly explained and just as quickly dropped. The only time I have to admit I was left completely flushed was when my Daughter found a ping pong paddle with her Mothers name written on it.
However I must say that at this stage in my life I would love to build a relationship with someone with whom this isn't a lifestyle to explain...simply to enjoy.
From: Fairest Sent: 9/29/2001 1:48 AM
  1. Do you just deny your fetish?  Although I don't "shout it from the mountaintops", all of my partners have known about my interest .  I don't share the details of my private life with my family, anyway.
  2. Do you play outside your marriage?  Yes, with my husband's participation and permission.  And only with people who I know very well.
  3. Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more "okay"?  That was my only option at first because my husband was vanilla... gradually I introduced "play spanking", moved on to "erotic spanking" and eventually described the dynamics of "disciplinary spanking".  Now he's progressing more every day and I'm beaming. 
  4. Do you think it's possible to convert a vanilla? Yes, because I've done it on more than one occassion.
  5. Who would be easier to convert?  A husband or a wife?  In my personal experience, the open minded men have been much easier to convert than the super conservative women.
  6. Can someone "learn" to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?  (What's not to love?)  I believe love for spanking can be "learned".
  7. What's your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend?  I have "converted" many past partners in different ways.  Some took to spanking as a fish to water.  Others enjoyed certain aspects but preferred the erotic or play aspects rather than the disciplinary portion.

~Fair
From: Mia Sent: 10/3/2001 11:00 AM
Hello all. I would like to respond to this strand.
 
1.)Do you just deny your fetish?>>  I did for many years, while still trying to make him do it and make him think it was his idea.

2.)Do you play outside you marriage?>>  No, but I had met someone that I was thinking about meeting. Then my husband decided to spank me. He used that as his first reason.
 
4.)Do you think it's possible to convert a vanilla?>>  I would say yes. My husband was and now I think he is really into it. I think he finally saw the benefit to spanking me. I wanted it to be discipline, for things I did wrong or behavior that wasn't good. I explained that this could be his ace in the hole when I was bad. It took many years, but he finally understood that I didn't want him to be a bully, just a loving strict husband. He likes it now, at least that's what he tells me.
 
6.)Can someone "learn" to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?>>  Again, I'm pretty sure my husband wasn't born with this kink. I do think events in his life helped him though. For instance, he lived with his very closest friends for a few months. It was a married couple. A pastor and his wife. The pastor/husband believed in spanking his wife when she misbehaved. My husband found it intriguing. He didn't tell me this until recently. So I think they can be converted. I know he started it because he knew how important it was to me. He also knew he didn't want me going outside our marriage to find it. (I NEVER threatened him with that, just so you know.)

7.)What's your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend?>>  When I think of the times he has spanked me in the last few weeks I hope he's converted. I would never want to go back to the place where he's forcing himself to, just for me. That never felt right and he hated it.  I know it goes against his own kinks, but I trust him when he says, THIS time he really wants to share this with me. THIS time he really understands. We've had some times where he said and I believed he was going to convert but he didn't. He even spanked me a few times in those periods. But I think this time is different. We both agree that it feels different.
 
So, that's my answer. Mia
 
Ps, I just wanted to add we've been married almost 16 years. We've been together almost 18. So this all took a little time. 
From: oswald Sent: 9/12/2002 9:39 AM
Hi Becca and everyone!
 
I am just wondering why this wonderful threat has somehow stopped in last autumn. I eagerly read all the postings and got plenty of good ideas - how to convert an vanilla husband. Apparently the successes of men converting their vanilla wives into spankos have been more limited.
 
As I am very much interested in this topic, I try to give my ideas, and I hope to get an answer or two ...???
 
I have been married to my wonderful wife for 14 yrs now, her being my first and only love partner as yet. Myself, I remember being fascinated by spanking way back since my first clear cut erotic fantasies.
 
Trying to go through your questions:
  1. Do you just deny your fetish?  I do not. I have told my love even before our marriage, full of guilt about my pervert feelings, as I then took them. She was very understanding and comforting. Both of us did not really intend to let spanking into our relationship. She didn't like it, I didn't want to hurt her feelings. The more I learned to accept these fantasies and wishes as being part of myself, the more I tried to convince her to take part (see below).
  2. Do you play outside you marriage?  No, I don't. For me, spanking is very erotic, nothing of disciplinary spanking (though I would love really good and hard erotic spanking ...). If I had a different spanking partner and would like it, it would be like my sex partner - and cheating. Anyway, the nicest and best woman to spank just is the one I am married to ...
  3. Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more "okay"?  Only since spring this year we have started to play a bit of spanking. In a very limited way and very rarely. I try to keep it sexually, but somehow I love to stroke and cuddle her and her bottom and I like to spank her but I don't really like to mix the two. If I want to spank her, I want to spank her. At least pretend to, rather softly and just patting. Still, I really love it. Unfortunately she hates it - so it is no good way of erotic partnership.
  4. Do you think it's possible to convert a vanilla?  From all I read in this forum, it apparently is. I doubt it for my wife and I would be very happy if we found a way that I could get a bit of this into our partnership softly and lovingly, without hurting her, just playing. I have not given up ...
  5. Who would be easier to convert?  A husband or a wife?  I agree with most writers that it would be easier to get a man to try out spanking, at least actively. A lovely woman's bottom is such a beautiful sexual stimulus - how can you not at least smack it, and hopefully learn to like to spank the lady you love - if she loves and deserves it ...?
  6. Can someone "learn" to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?  Well, my limited personal experience does not show that learning to love to be spanked is very easy.
  7. What's your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend?  No, not even my wife ...

I know this sounds a bit frustrated. I have to add that we have a really loving and wonderful relationship in all other aspects. I myself have long learned to love kissing, hugging, cuddling, "normal" sex and all those things I didn't fancy before I fell in love with her many years ago. Nevertheless I very much miss this one thing.

I apologize for my a bit clumsy and maybe not always correct english, but I hope you get an idea of my concern.

Bye everyone, and (off topic) to all Americans I am with you with my thoughts at your very sad anniversary.

Oswald
From: PinkLady Sent: 9/16/2002 4:24 PM
  1. Do you just deny your fetish?  No, I've tried that and over time it seriously impacts on my interest in sex.  I feed my fetish with books and computer.
  2. Do you play outside you marriage?  I have but find this to be unpleasant eventually.  Sooner or later partners want more than I do out of it.  Because of this I have not played with anyone else for quite a while and have no plans to do so again. 
  3. Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more "okay"?  Yes, but he still waits for me to initiate it.
  4. Do you think it's possible to convert a vanilla?  I think only if the vanilla has just a bit of spanker in him anyway.
  5. Who would be easier to convert?  A husband or a wife?  I think husband IF he is the spanker.  I think converting anyone to a spankee is touchy, to say the least.
  6. Can someone "learn" to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?  I believe one could learn to enjoy some spanking activity but I think people who are really into it have been formed that way, whether by nature or nuture or both. 
  7. What's your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend?  I have convinced men I dated in the past to spank me for fun and some of them did get into it.  As to whether they became spankers with other women I do not know.  As noted above, my husband is a very occasional spanker and needs to be asked to do it.  He does really try though, and that is something. 
From: B.Y. Sent: 9/9/2001 2:19 PM
This is a great thread with some really inspiring stories. My only objection is to the title: I really don't think it's possible to "convert" someone; it's more a case of persuasion , intertwining our desires, and extending our erotic repertoires.

Eileen, you're terrific! My own lover is in the same boat. Spanking isn't her main erotic thrill; exhibitionism is. It took us a long time, but we finally figured out how to weave our kinks together so that we can create really breathtaking scenes (which I'll describe below). For ten long years, I worked hard coaxing her. I tried all sorts of things, and finally, we succeeded. Our story is a triumph of empathy (going both ways), perseverance, overcoming fears and self-doubt. 

While the repertoire of sexual arousal for adults cannot be restructured from scratch, desires can certainly be extended (new thrills added on to well-established ones). So while spanking may never become your partner's primary thrill, it can become, for many, something they enjoy, especially because you do. Most of us derive pleasure from knowing how to drive our partners into a frenzy of arousal, and if your hubby enjoys doing that, and knows that a muttered threat to turn you over his knee is thrilling to you, then I'm betting that begins to get him stiff just looking in your eyes when he cocks his eyebrow and sees your response.

So if you haven't really tried to persuade your partner and run up against a flat-out, and repeated, refusal, then it's well worth exploring whether he or she might be persuaded. (I'm going to assume, in what follows, that your partner knows about your spanking desire and that you want this to be an M/F spanking. Nothing I say precludes the reverse, but M/F is my orientation and also this board's main focus.)

Here are six (pleasure-extending) suggestions:

1. Eroticize the female bottom. Visually via tight jeans, figure-hugging dresses, thongs, garter belts and stockings (they frame the bottom delightfully). Touching: encourage bottom pats and squeezes. I love walking beside my wife with my hand resting on her bottom feeling it undulate as she strides. She says it makes her 'bottom-conscious', and if I want to spank her, one route, if we're out for an evening dining and dancing, is to make her very bottom-conscious all night long by subtle bottom-touching gestures. If you're a woman who wants to be spanked, you can probably figure out all sorts of ways to make your bottom a major sexual stimulus to your lover. Go for it. Even if you never get to otk games, that rear attention will perk up your sex-life.

2. Associate bottom-smacking with other intensely pleasurable stimuli, such as oral sex and intercourse itself. This a basic pleasure-extension strategy: the constant coupling of bottom-smacking with other stimuli will 'spread' the established pleasure to the new stimulus (recall Pavlov's dogs who salivated to the bell? Human pleasure-responses are much more complex, but they are amenable to this type of conditioning.) In fact, for women wanting to be spanked, I'd start by encouraging him to smack your bottom during intercourse, and let him watch your response, when you gasp, your tummy spasms, you throw you head back and then he sees the lust in your eyes, and he'll soon become convinced that this is a really powerful turn-on for you, and that, if he were to do it otk in the future, as a form of foreplay, that it wouldn't be 'hurting' you at all but giving you an intense thrill. Or kneel up on the bed beside him, stick your bottom in his face as you go down on him, then, as you suck him, reach back and give your own bottom a smack. If his hand doesn't replace yours doing the smacking, and if the smacks don't stimulate you to suck him harder, and him to come, then I'd be surprised.

3. Another pleasure-extending strategy works more on the psychological level. Intertwine spanking with other sexual fantasies. We're actually at a very opportune moment in the history of Western culture to do this. In its formation, ours is a Christian culture where all sorts of non-procreative sexual activities and fantasies have been traditionally associated with guilt and the need for confession and atonement. (Witness the Christian flagellants of the Middle Ages.) We've recently become secular and savvy enough to realize that this guilt is misplaced, that we ought not to feel it. Yet we still do! That's a perfect psychological conditioner for consensual adult spanking. You enact the 'naughty' fantasy (recall the Christian expression 'sins of the flesh'), get that guilty rush from it, then have your partner spank away the guilt! This way, you can have your guilty-pleasure cake and eat it too. I had a major breakthrough with my wife when I discovered how I could add a spanking on to the end of her exhibitionist fantasies. Her favorite self-pleasuring material involves her being 'on display' in a situation where men are lusting after her. She's the saucy Flirt at the ball, or the stripper up on the table in a bar-room, etc. We play with this scene, and have me, her jealous hubby, show up, see her flirting outrageously with other men, become irate at her behaviour and spank her 'in front of everyone'. That completely intertwines her exhibitionist thrill with my spanking thrill. She now finds the idea of a public spanking just as thrilling as the reality would be appalling. So we play scenes with imaginary audiences, and she sinks into the fantasy head-space.

4. Work on developing bratty banter (see the great suggestions in the DARE thread!), or, for men who want to spank, at the kidding threat when she does something naughty that isn't serious, is 'disown able' (aw, darlin', don't take offense, I'm just kiddin') but can hang around in the air, and percolate in your partner's mind for minutes, or even hours, afterwards. Once again, this is a pleasure-extending strategy. Many people who've never tried spanking just love that type of kidding, testy-flirty, banter with someone they're in love with, or attracted to. Just listen in at a cocktail party conversation where men and women are flirting with one another. Often it involves risqué suggestion and testy kidding in combination. That's a natural segue into spanking.

5. Try the provocation-chase-capture game. I'll never forget, up at the cottage one summer when I was probably 16 or 17, this girl who fancied me and wanted to attract my attention, pushed me in the lake with my clothes on. She had on a bathing suit at the time, so tossing her in was not a suitable 'retribution'. When I got out, she ran away giggling, I gave chase, and naturally, when I caught her, I spanked her wet bathing-suit bottom. Talk about a thrill -- for both of us! She got me very interested in her, very quickly, believe me! I don't think spanking was really the goal for her. Hooking me was. But she got both, a very successful strategy, and I'm sure, she wasn't averse to the spanking, since it led directly to a passionate necking session.

6. A variant of 5 is play-wrestling. End the tussle sprawled across his lap, or in any position where your bottom is readily accessible to his hand, and see if you don't collect a swat. And for men wishing to see if she likes that, it's a great opportunity to check out her 'spankable quotient', since a light swat or two in that situation is probably acceptable, especially if she's got her licks in on you in other ways, so you have implicit leeway for playful retaliation, and your choice is, naturally ...

I'm not claiming that these ideas will work for everyone. We're all different, and so are the partners we're trying to persuade. With some, it's not going to happen no matter what the spanko does. My heart goes out to those people. But with other partners it just might...

My best to all, BY
From: Sassycat_2157 Sent: 9/11/2001 3:19 AM
B.Y., 
I can really relate to your answer to Eilene. It certainly took a long time for my husband to come around. And I still have to encourage him that spanking one's wife is not the terrible sin that he believed it to be, since it is consensual.  The part you wrote about  Pavlov's dogs, made me laugh because this is one of the ideas I used to encourage my husband. Hm , oral sex and spanking, what fun!
 
It actually took the death of a parent to remind me how important it is to get the most out of this precious thing we call life.
 The first time I approached my husband about spanking me did not go as well as I hoped. Partly this was my own fault because I went about it in a joking way ( To protect my feelings in case of rejection). Later on I realized that I had a responsibility to explain what I really wanted seriously. Several months passed as I tried to put into words what I wanted. Which is really hard when even now I keep changing what I want, how far I want to go how many fantasy I want to explore.
  But I did bring the subject up and this time he did agree to try. He had reservations about hurting me, about it being wrong to hit a female and about us being equal. And I had to assure him alot.
  I always loved to tease and joke around with a bit of the brat inside and I've always challenged authority ( not in business), but a lot of that became subdued as I got older and had children and my responsibilities grew.  I decided to bring my old (young) self back and allowed myself free reign to drive hubby crazy, both with my antics and my sexual cravings. I believe he is pleasantly bewilder by it all, he certainly isn't as grumpy as he used to be and walks around smiling more.
 He certain enjoys winning more of our discussions ( and I don't mind losing a few , considering the benefits.) 
 Anyway, I just feel if you want something and it is important to you, just keep trying for it. Sometimes you have to let it go for a little while, re-examine it, come at it from a different angle and try it again. Sometimes when push comes to shove, pushing back yields some yummy results. At least in my case it did.
 The thread is fascinating.  Good luck  to all - Cathy
From: Rikkired Sent: 9/27/2001 3:26 PM
Hello Everyone...my name is Rikki (red) and I am new to this forum and this is my first of I hope many posts. 
 
Okay...let me begin...
 
  • Do you just deny your fetish?  Actually yes I did for years!  I've been married for about 15 years now and we played erotically once with spanking but it wasn't what I wanted so we never did it again.
  • Do you play outside you marriage?  Oh my god!   That is how this whole thing started for me!  I decided I couldn't take it anymore I just wanted to be spanked! SO!  I posted some ads and explained my situation, that I'm married, need to be discreet, have a long standing desire blah blah blah.  Well it was killing me that I had done this...SO I told my hubby (I share everything with him why not this?) Naturally he was very angry!  BUT! He was totally understanding about what I wanted from a spanking AND decided that now would be a good time to start.  Boy did I get what I asked for!  *rubbing my sore bottom*  And he seems okay with it...in fact is a natural (is there such a thing?) Because I'm getting another one tonight!
  • Who would be easier to convert?  A husband or a wife?  I think a husband you know the whole macho thing and all...plus for years Men have been the ruler of the roost...all the way up to the 70's right?  I know I know there are women out there who will disagree but I like knowing my man is in charge. hee-hee Ask me again after tonight! 
  • What's your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend?  Hmmm perhaps I should have saved my long winded story for this question...See above I guess.
  • Can someone "learn" to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?  I think my hubby had to "learn to love it."  He was raised by his mother and is the most caring, sweet guy I have ever met...helps out with kids, the housework cooks dinner etc. and I think the whole spanking thing may have seemed to him like striking a women you know?  I think a lot of men struggle with that if they are new to the scene.

     

    Okay I gotta  go now!  My man said it's time. .dum dum dum .

     

     

    PS Sorry the novel guys and gals...all these years of keeping and silent and finally able to break free has made me long winded!

     

    Rikki (we all know what the red is for *LOL*)
From: CutieCouple Sent: 9/27/2001 11:59 PM
Hello everyone,
It's great to see the vanilla spouses posting their experiences and thoughts here - well done to you all for being so open and understanding.
I (the male half of the couple) had problems with my previous long-term girlfriend in this arena.  She swore up and down that she was open-minded, but that spanking with paddles and such was just plain weird.  I came to understand that to many people, being open-minded means endorsing what you already believe to be acceptable.  The old story of "If I do it and like it, it's kinky, but if you do it and I DON'T like it, it's perverted."
The good (understatement!) news is that my current squeeze is genuinely open-minded.  She had never even heard of spanking as an erotic act.  I told her early in the relationship, and she said "Ok, let's try it."  We did.  I spent every waking moment telling her how sexy she looked over my knee, and what a fantastic bum she has (both very true!)  She is now a converted spanko, and in three weeks will become my wife!  I'm not about to let THIS one get away!
Interestingly, she has said several times, that even though she is not a spanko like I am, she always knew there was more to sex than she had ever experienced, and the 'more' is spanking.  For some reason, that was very good to hear.
So I guess there are all sorts of vanillas out there, just as we all differ in the ways we enjoy spanking.  If you are with a vanilla, do not abandon hope.  And if your vanilla posts here, I'm guessing you are on to a good thing.
From: helen Sent: 9/28/2001 8:19 AM
Aaaah, how good to read of your stories! Welcome, Rikki-red, and wonder how you're doing? 
 
I just wanted to say to those who didn't know yet: My husband 'converted' about one month ago (!!) and I am sooooo happy with him. He's a born natural. He's not a spanko and says that couldn't have invented this himself nor would he pursue it without me, but he tells me that he can see the great effect that it has on me and he enjoys that more than anything and he's willing to do whatever is needed to make that 'state' come to me. (I smile at my own words: this is what he says. But still I think he has the greatest talent, more than I could have ever imagined).
 
By the way, he wasn't talking about sex. He has an eye for all the rest, and I think that's the most important thing. Of course I introduced it a little bit as if it was just a sexual thing that you could do (like Becca suggested somewhere early on in this thread I believe) to make it more easy for him. But that part is only a part, and it's much harder to explain the rest. I think the true naturals (if I should have to define that) are the ones who can see beyond the sex part and act accordingly.
 
So like I said, mine IS a born natural. I love him!
 
Helen
PS I said that this wasn't about sex and it isn't really. But am I getting too personal when I say that also in the sex department.... I didn't know that it was possible to have sex like this after a spanking? Really, I'm still more of the discipline than of the erotic type, but boy, what a discovery!
From: Rikkired Sent: 9/28/2001 10:44 AM
Oh  Helen!!  How true it is!  I know exactly what you mean about the sex...I too am more into the discipline spanking than erotic but WOWIE WOW WOW!
I'm fine by the way 
This forum has been so extremely helpful THANKYOU ladies for getting it started!
After reading a couple of posts D and I had a very frank discussion about this being a LIFESTYLE not just a new game we are playing.  Well come to find out that dear man says HE'S been into this stuff all along but didn't know I WAS!  Well I must tell you I was floored by that confession.  So spanking isn't as much as a problem for him as I originally thought...he's never considered spanking as something you do outside of sex but feels he can adjust.
Anyway I shared my concerns with him that HE would suddenly stop as I had read was happening in  another relationship.  He didn't think that would happen as he finds it very LIBERATING to be able to punish me.  (his words not mine)  In fact shares my concern  that I will be the one to stop!
Again we are only in our 4th night here, and so far the most incredible sex has happened as a result of my discipline.  So I do have a minor concern that this is only sex related but I guess time will tell.
I have expressed my desire that this BE more than just sexual in nature...but like I said time will tell.
 
 
 
 
p.s. We bought our first paddle today...wonder when he plans on using it 
From: Vìckìe Sent: 3/24/2001 3:44 AM
Oh my goodness, this is the response that was supposed to go here. Somehow I reposted the one from the other thread.  Would somebody please get rid of the one above here? Anyway this is the correct one. It had disappeared and the previous one was still here so I posted that one again. So sorry!
 
Helen, it is so sweet that you are thinking of me. My dearest Mike did indeed give me a spanking just two short years into our marriage. He was in the Navy at the time, and on temporary duty at Compressed Gas School in Norfolk, Va . Since it was to be for almost five months, he brought me back with him. Our permanent duty station was Rota, Spain. We didn't have much money, so I was staying with my parents in New Jersey during the week, and he came up on weekends and we stayed with his folks.
 
It was hard living apart so after two months, Mike rented an efficiency apartment for two weeks and I went down to stay with him. Anybody who has ever been in one knows how confining they can be but I was happy to be with him. By the end of the first week, I was at the limit of my patience. he was gone all day at school and spent every evening, after dinner, studying. When he finished studying, it was late and he wanted to get to sleep. Everything came to a head when I decided  would no longer be ignored. Announcing that, "I need some attention, NOW!" I proceeded to tickle the back of his neck, sit on the table on top of his papers to kiss him, poke him, and do everything I could to distract him. I was trying and succeeding in being the biggest pain in the a** that I could,  not knowing that is what he shortly would be giving me.
 
He warned me over and over to knock it off but I was going full speed ahead now and couldn't stop if I wanted to, which I certainly did not! Finally I picked up all of his stuff and dropped it on the floor in a big snit that my plan had not worked. As I turned to go away, he grabbed my hand and flipped me over. It was fast and deadly! I was so surprised and shocked that I could do nothing except yelp loudly when the pain registered. After a few minutes, he let me up and pointed to the bed. He said to get in it and stay there or he was more than ready to do it again. With my mouth hanging open, and my hands rubbing away at the fire, I said "Yes Sir"! I didn't intend to say sir, I never had called him that before, it just slipped out all by itself.
 
For the next hour I lay in bed watching him from under my eyelashes. He finished studying and came to bed. He put his arm around me and we cuddled up and then..................! I was on my best behavior for the rest of our time there. I wondered if he would connect my improved disposition and sunny outlook on life with the spanking, but he failed to notice. That was it for the next eight years, but I cherished the memory and it was enough for a long time. I didn't say anything to him because I had never heard of anyone else ever feeling like this and was sure I was a little weird. We laugh about all of my little insecurities these days. He often says that if he had been paying closer attention, the next twenty-three years would have been even smoother sailing than they were.
 
 The story of the second time is a whole different ball of wax, and didn't end as well. I will tell you if you are sure you want to hear a slightly darker tale. Thank you so much for your interest!
From: Bêccä Sent: 3/24/2001 4:18 AM
Vickie, I'm hanging on your every word!  Can't wait to hear the second story... the darker tale (sorry it wasn't nice like the first).
 
Helen, I was just going to ask you if your husband ever threatened to spank you!  I hope when that happens again (and you know it WILL), you'll just huff and spin on your heel and say under your breath "Yeah right... you and what army, buster!".
 
In my pre-Andrew life, I never would have told a boyfriend that I desired this.  As you can imagine, I got plenty of spanking threats but I always dismissed them as absurd and changed the subject immediately so they never happened.  I thought about them frequently and wondered what I might have done to "ask" for it without looking like I wanted it.  Once, I was being pig-headed and my boyfriend said he'd spank me if he heard another peep out of me.  I back pedaled and changed the subject immediately and tried not to look too shocked or interested or disinterested (silly huh!).  I wish I'd said angrily "Well then I'd be spanked but you'd still be stupid and I'd still be right".  I think that might have gotten me the spanking.
 
What did you say to him, Helen?  What did you do to keep your eyeballs in your head after hearing that delicious threat come out of the mouth of your beloved?  What makes you certain that he'd not do it in a second if he knew it excited you just a teensy little bit?? 
 
Vickie, Helen, details please!
 
From: Vìckìe Sent: 3/27/2001 12:36 AM
Wow! I am really so overwhelmed. You say the nicest things here and I am so happy that I can contribute something to thank you for all that you have done for me. Yes indeed Becca, I know how hard it is to tell someone that secret that lives in your heart and just won't go away (and isn't it great that it doesn't?) But sometimes, don't all of us that waited so long regret the wait? I am glad that you and Andrew are now living the life you both love. Thank you for the compliments and encouragement to keep posting. You have done such a great job with this club and you also have the best co-managers.
 
And Helen, you also are saying such nice things. I am more than happy to try to try to help you any way that I can. Suggesting to your husband that he give you a playful spanking is a great way to start. Most men love to play if something they want is their reward at the end of the playtime. Challenging him to assert his masculine authority, smiling very sassily at him may work. It will be difficult to say the words at first, but the results could be more than your wildest dreams. It has happened. The only sure thing will be that nothing will happen if he never knows. Putting a playful slant on it will be very non-threatening.
 
You did ask some questions about our relationship that I will be happy to answer. Anything that you would like to know about us, please ask. I am completely open and will respond as much as I can. Mike spanks three times a week. That much is practically written in stone. They are what he calls reminder spankings to keep me on the straight and narrow. These are really a mix of erotic and semi-serious role play, for lack of a better description. They can get fairly intense toward the end, and I am tender the next day, but we also can break into uncontrollable laughter at any time, like if I make a strange noise that he considers funny, or he hurts a finger and says a loud "OW !" Both have happened recently. He tells me that I so seldom do anything wrong, he has to exaggerate little things just to give him something to lecture about during the spanking. He does do a lot of on-the-spot spankings for all sorts of minor things. They usually consist of about ten swats. He has little pet peeves and I am well aware that blowing him a raspberry will result in an on-the-spot every time. So I accidentally do this at least once or twice a week.
 
Mike would be the first one to express big doubts about "keeping me in line." He is just not that kind of man, and I am not comfortable with the thought of him in that role. He is the head of the household because that is what we both want. He leads by example, encouragement, and love and my decision to follow his lead is because I want to not because I have to. I just answered a similar question in SWC. We make all decisions together but if, in extremely rare circumstances, we cannot agree, I choose to have him make the final decision that he must live with and assume the responsibility for.  And he is willing to accept the outcome, good or bad.
 
Mike does give me discipline spankings when I earn them. They happen maybe two or three times a year. He does not like to give them any more than I like getting them, but he does it out of love. I know I may get a lot of feedback over that statement, but it is a fact. When I mess up big time, I am harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. In the past, I would be upset and dwell on this for days, sometimes weeks. Now,  Mike sees the big bad thing I have done, and we talk about it. If it is weighing really heavy on my mind, he will send me to our room to get ready. I get the lecture, the spanking (which is much more severe than a reminder but mercifully much shorter), post-spanking sitting in my chair in the corner, facing him while he lectures some more and gauges my mood to make sure it is all out of my system, followed by much comforting and hugging. And all of my self-condemnation is gone and I am free to fix the error, then forget about it and go forward. It is temporarily painful but such a blessing to me.
 
I got so caught up in answering your questions, I didn't tell the story that I promised you. I will come back later and post it. If there is anything else you would like to ask please do. I am "home alone" at least until lunch, then all afternoon, and you can see that I just love to talk.
From: Bêccä Sent: 3/27/2001 5:37 AM
Hi Freddie!  You made some good points but I'm itching to answer some questions raised by Helen and Vickie (please forgive me).
Ok, ladies.... Here's my $.02 worth:
 
First of all, I think I have the kind of relationship Vickie has.  Andrew and I agree that this is fun.  We know the best part of the fantasy is the giving and receiving of "real" spankings but immediately in our relationship we realized that we probably would never experience that in real life because he did not desire to be involved with a woman who "needed" to be spanked to behave and I didn't desire to be involved in a relationship where my man would think he had to spank me to make me behave.  In short, we wanted the kind of equal relationship Helen talks about having.  So?  How do you resolve this?  Well, aside from all the spanking stuff, Andrew and I decided that he'd be the "tie breaker" in our relationship.  We recon that we'll agree and compromise 99.975% of the time but in that tiny instance when we can't agree, I concede that he can and should be the leader and make the decision.  Someone has to be the leader (I think) and we're both qualified so I suggested that he assume that role.  At first, he was sceptical.  He didn't want a "weak" woman.  LOL... anyone think he got one?  
 
Vickie, I love the way you said it and Helen already quoted you but here it is again:
He is the head of the household because that is what we both want. He leads by example, encouragement, and love and my decision to follow his lead is because I want to not because I have to. We make all decisions together but if, in extremely rare circumstances, we cannot agree, I choose to have him make the final decision that he must live with and assume the responsibility for.
Those words could have come straight out of my mouth!  That really describes the relationship I have with Andrew.  However, I've been in relationships where I didn't feel this way.  I liked my partner and admired him in many ways but I didn't respect him enough for this type of thing to work for us.  I didn't want to give in or be answerable to him for anything.  The idea of doing that was "icky" to me.  If you have this type of relationship, it might be hard to play with the mental aspect of spanking (which is control and domination) the way we can.  I do believe that you can still do it - - but you'll have to rely more heavily on role playing so that the role feels more comfortable because it's clearly make-believe. 
 
Finally, on that make believe note, let me add that I know deep in my heart of hearts that husbands/boyfriends who spank their woman for being "bad" are playing a role.  I love that role.  I love it so much that I don't want to ever again think of it as role playing so Andrew and I have decided to pretend like it's not.  (that's just another part of our game).  Freddie is right when he says this is really all about trust.  It is!  Helen, I know that you trust your husband and you love him very much so I'm certain that you'll both be able to have this in your marriage when you get comfortable enough to bring up the subject.  It might not be like Vickie and Mike or like Andrew and me, but it'll be good and it'll be uniquely part of what you love about being married to your husband.  I've seen you grow so much since you came to this community.  I know we'll all be reading how you successfully made this work in your marriage too!
 
Of course, I'm not an expert and my opinion is just my own but I hope I'm right because all of us deserve to have this in our intimate relationships!  It's not like we have a piercing fetish!  We just want spanking!  How cute is that! 
 
Becca
ok... that was more than $.02
From: Vìckìe Sent: 3/27/2001 6:41 AM
Here is the story I promised about the second one even though it turned out badly for a time. I had given birth to our third and last child a few months before this. There seemed to be a little more post-partum depression going on and I was unhappy with our relationship. Somehow, it got into my head that things would be so much better for us if I stopped trying to hide my big secret. I literally spent two weeks planning what I was going to say to my husband.
 
All of this time we had been living in our house, Mike didn't know that I had a secret stash in a drawer of paperback books with spanking scenes in them marked by bent pages. There was even a letter to the editor that I had found in an old magazine in our garage that dealt with a husband spanking his wife for pleasure and she submitting to it. In the same issue, I think it was an old Penthouse, there was a section with old photos and drawings titled  "Hanky Spanky." I got them all out and laid them on our bed so we could discuss the subject after the kids were in bed.
 
At the time, Mike's younger sister was also living with us. She was 21 years old and unmarried, wasn't even dating much. After she and the kids went to bed, Mike and I were sitting on the couch and I finally got up enough nerve to tell him that there was something I wanted to talk to him about when we went to bed. Having nothing else, I tried to use the thought of the props waiting upstairs for courage. Mike was very agreeable and said why didn't we go up right then and talk. Butterflies seemed to have made a permanent home in my stomach, but we were at the point of no return. There was no way he would let me say never mind. Once a subject has been broached in our house, it is talked about for sure.
 
Since I am short story challenged as well as rhyme deficient, I am going to try to pare this down some. I looked at Mike sitting calmly on the bed, sneaking sideways glances at the small pile of stuff piled there, and taking a big gulp of air said, in one breath, "Honey I know this is going to seem really strange to you and you have no idea how could you that I have this thing in my head and have had it for such a long time and I have been so afraid to talk to you about it but it won't go away and could you just look at and read all of this stuff?" He is looking a little stunned so I very calmly (I thought) continued, "I really think I would like you to spank me because I need it and I hope you don't think I am nuts because I love you but this is what I really need you to do so do you think you could just give it a try and spank me and see how it goes?"
 
Now having completely run out of gas, I waited patiently for some reaction. He was sitting there looking at me and down at the pile next to him. He hadn't looked at me like I was something stuck to his shoe and he was still there, so I took that as a very encouraging sign. He picked up the letter and read it, then he looked at me and read it again. He put that down and started going through the pictures. I had circled one in red ink that had a woman bent over a man's lap with her bottom bare and glowing. I never knew how long five minutes can be when you are waiting for just one little response. Anything.
From: Vìckìe Sent: 3/27/2001 6:43 AM
cont.
Finally, he cleared his throat and asked me how long this had been a fantasy of mine and I told him the story of Al, and even before. He questioned me about a few more things and said he was not sure he would be able to do it, but he would give it a try Friday night after the kids were in bed and since his sister was going to be out very late that night. This was almost more than I had hoped for, so I went to sleep with a hopeful heart, so relieved that the secret was out and he didn't hate me. Only two more days until Friday.
 
Friday came finally and seemed like it was two weeks long. At last, I had put all of the kids to bed and checked that they were asleep. Mike hadn't mentioned anything since Wednesday so I was unsure if he would really carry out his promise. I dressed in nightgown as usual and went downstairs and sat next to him on the couch. When the show was over that he was watching, he got up without a word and locked all of the doors. He came and sat down next to me and urged me first to my feet and then across his lap. Without a pause, he lifted my gown and gave me a very thorough spanking. Yes it hurt a lot, more than one had ever hurt because I had never been bare before and he went on for about five minutes. I got up, and the first words spoken since it all started was that we were going to go to bed now. We went up and I was watching him but he seemed okay with things, just a little quiet and we made love. I felt very happy but was slightly on edge because he seemed not quite himself.
 
Everything was normal the next day. We didn't talk about the night before. The two older kids were playing in the back yard and the baby was napping when Mike's sister came in and we sat around the table to talk. I went into the kitchen to get some sodas, when I heard my dear husband say to his sister, "Would you believe that Vickie likes to have her bare butt spanked?" I stopped dead and was sure that if there was any justice in this world a hole would have opened in the floor so I could drop through forever. Even worse, his next sentence was, "I talked it over with my friend Jim at work and he said it seemed a little strange but if that was what she wanted, I should at least give it a try. So last night I spanked her." Stomach hit the throat and heart hit the floor.There was nothing to do but go and face the music, so I went back in the dining room with the drinks. His sister was looking at me like I was an alien species, but I just looked at her and said that Mike had it all wrong. It was something I had heard about and was curious but now that we had done it, I hated it and we would never do it again. Then I looked sideways at my love and if looks could kill, I would be a long time widow.
 
I was betrayed. I couldn't believe that this man that I loved and trusted with my whole being could tell my deepest secret to not just one, but two people that I knew. When we were alone, I told him that what I had just said was true and I never wanted him to mention it again. I also told him that if he ever tried to do it again, I would leave him. And for 15 years, it was never mentioned again. Since hindsight is infallible, I know now that he was not breaking my trust at all. This poor guy was hit with this surprise all at once. I had had many years to get used to the idea and I hit him with it out of the blue. There was no resource he could go to for help so he tried to get some answers the only way he could. Nowadays computers and clubs like these are such a source of information and support for everyone.
 
So fifteen years later, with everything forgiven and understood, I gave it the one last try you have read about. I am very glad that I did because the last ten years have been everything I had hoped for and more. And now I promise to try to never write ANYTHING this long again.
From: Bêccä Sent: 3/1/2001 3:18 PM
Patty,
 
If your husband doesn't have his own spanking kink and he doesn't appreciate that you are aroused by being spanked and he thinks spanking you is abusive or evil or mean (?) then you'll never get the spankings you want from him. 
 
The fact that you desire to be submissive is not surprising to me since its natural for a spankee to crave that.  It's also natural for a spankee (or "bottom" or "submissive") to have a smart mouth since that's a useful tactic to get our men to deal with us. 
 
For many years, I never told my partner(s) what I craved since I thought it would be meaningless unless it was unspoken and totally spontaneous.   In my fantasy, I would push my partner to the brink of insanity and he would have no alternative but to grab me and spank me vigorously.  There was no discussion, no consent, no sexual desire.  Just a "perfect" spanking.  I've since learned that it's WAAAAY more complicated than that.  For example, I don't want a man who would do this with no knowledge or care of whether or not I desired it.  It's just too close to being a "beating" if you take all the kink out of it.   The hardest thing for me to come to terms with was that this spanking desire comes from a sexual place in my head and for that reason, it's not as "forbidden" as I fantasized for 25 years.   That killed a little bit of the excitement for me but it allowed me to come to a place in my relationships where I could actually ask for (and get) what I wanted.  (I love you, Andrew!!).
 
I'm not arguing with you since you know your relationship better than anyone but I still stand by my advice that (in most cases) you'll have to appeal to a vanilla man's penis if you want to make him feel enthusiastic about spanking his woman.
 
Becca
From: shana Sent: 3/5/2001 2:09 AM

This is my first post here, a wonderful thread, just the kind of stuff I've been looking for. Thank you all.

There are of course, varying degrees to this kink, as I suspect with all. To find the perfect balance, a partner whose needs mirror your own, has got to be extremely difficult, at best.

I've read posts from women who claim to be crying and begging after twelve hand spanks, (which is nothing to me), to the other side. Spanked till close to bleeding. Not, for me either.

It seems that there are a lot of "bedroom only tops" around and I don't mean that disparagingly at all. Rather; If you've got one and yearn for more is it possible to get it? My husband spanks me all the time for sex play. Matter of fact he has a hard time staying focused and spanking me for long, because other desires get in the way. He is a modern, liberal kind of guy and spanking me for real contradicts much of what he believes in, how he was brought up, etc. Which is why I agree with Becca, that you have to bring them around through sex. He professes all the time that he'd do ANYTHING to turn me on more. (Don't most of them!) Yet, I am reluctant to tell him that real discipline spankings would do it.

We role play a lot ("I'm not going to SCHOOL!!!" etc.) and jive about it all the time in the car. He'll tell me how much my ass is going to hurt and how I won't be sitting down when we get home, and then guess what happens? As soon as I start to squirm, he wants other things. It appears that talking about it stimulates him so much that he might be more a talker than do-er? ????

Sooooooo, our "levels" of desire appear to be slightly off kilter. He would tell me if he wanted more, why can't I tell him?

In the beginning, he confessed to me his interest in all things anal and I let him know that I couldn't do anal intercourse (sorry Becca, I'm trying to make a point about being free enough to express your realist, most intimate desires). We worked things out so we can do other things and I am learning and beginning to enjoy them to; mostly due to HIS reaction! And when he tells me to lift my ass higher, and I don't, I do get a really hard spank, and he continues until I put it where he wants it. Which I do now, rather quickly.

Only once he spanked me for real. Seems we get along TOO well, almost never disagree, and I'm not bitchy or demanding. (role play only). But I got a good one, mid-tantrum once. It was REAL and it hurt like crazy and I fought with every bit of strength in my body. Then we had the best sex ever, and when we discussed it afterwards, he revealed to me that he felt "guilty" (and he looked it) about spanking me against my will for real. We had of course previously discussed this and he had my permission to proceed with a spanking if I was at a point of being unwilling to communicate with him. Angie knows what I’m talking about here. I’m going to hold my nose up in the air and refuse to tell him what’s wrong. He’s going to have to figure it out, "if you love me, you’d know", and fix it and grovel. The first time I did this, I got away with it, we talked about it after three days of not speaking; and both decided that the next time, I would get turned over quickly. So, he did it, I HATED IT/LOVED IT (especially after it was over), and it seemed to work.

 

So, what’s my problem? He’s never done it again. He’s threatened dozens of times, and I’ve deserved it, (though never to that extreme. If I do "silent treatment", I WILL get spanked - but I don’t want to start a real fight). So, I conclude he doesn’t "really" want to dom me. Not to the extent that I want it. This thread started with specific questions, and seems to have evolved to discourse; and I hope you forgive me Becca for not following the question format. But it seems a few of the ladies here have similar circumstances.

He did confess to me that spanking me for real was MORE exciting than for play and that he’d never been that aroused, exhilarated, empowered, etc. I’ve told him he can spank me as long and as hard as he wants to, for play or for real, many times. But, he always stops way before I want him to.

The last time he held me longer than I liked and continued with hard spanks, I thought it was going to be the one. I started yelling "no, stop" and really squirming, and he continued to spank my ass harder and got it very red and stinging. But he stopped after a minute. When he let me go I jumped on him and we had the WILDEST SEX, me on top, his favorite. Shouldn’t that reinforce to him to go ahead and spank me a little longer, further, harder. Make me squirm and cry and plead and I’ll really make it worth your while after!!!

But he has never REALLY spanked me again for discipline, for real. Like most of you ladies here, I want that badly. I think I’m doing all the right stuff, but he’s afraid to go forward, or doesn’t really want to.

I wrote him a long letter for Valentines Day giving him my submission and my ass, but I chickened out and never gave it to him.

Becca, how direct and blunt must we be, when subtleties seem to fail? If he doesn’t really desire to go as far as I do, can he learn to? Can he learn to love it?

I guess a lot of us here have the same frustrations.

Shana
From: Johnsbaby Sent: 3/5/2001 2:40 AM
I'm not Becca, but I will add my 2 cents worth anyway. I think we have to be totally upfront and tell them exactly what we want in regards to discipline spankings. Unless a man has the "spanking kink" himself I think it is really hard for him to actually spank (hit) a woman repeatedly to the point of pain. Which is what a spanking is all about. But, I think most men, have been brought up not to hit girls when they were young,( and that's a good thing). But ,I think vanilla men, of which my husband was one, have trouble separating the hitting, which we don't want ,with the loving discipline, which we do. At least in their minds, maybe. I hope I am making myself clear.
Anyway, we had always spanked for fun, but I really felt the need for a strict husband  to discipline me when I needed it.
I started out by telling him about these clubs and that was what I wanted in our marriage. He is still not really as strict with me as I would like ,and feel that I need . I just tell him what I want and why and how something in me needs that. My husband is not a mind reader or a very good hint taker either. So, unless I want to be frustrated and angry , I have to be very straight with him about my wants and needs.
From: Angie Sent: 3/6/2001 4:07 AM
Hi all,

I haven't posted before now, because all I really had to offer were sympathies, as I am not in your boat, and don't really have any advice to offer. But since my name was used in vain here :) I figured I would drop in for a moment. [ Angie knows what I'm talking about here. I'm going to hold my nose up in the air and refuse to tell him what's wrong. He's going to have to figure it out, "if you love me, you'd know",...Shana]


What Shanna refered to above was what got me my first corner time from my hubby (but not my first discipline spanking). I knew I was into spanking since a kid, and knew that my mom, and a lot of the women around were spanked by their men, and it all seemed right to me. I tried to get boys in high school to spank me, for fun or real, but none of them picked up on the not so subtle hints. So I dropped them. Same thing in college, and after. Wasn't till I was 25, and met this guy 8 yrs older than me, that I got spanked by someone other than daddy! Happened early on in our dating, and he let me know who was boss, and so I knew I had to marry him! All I can say is that I lucked out, and found someone who is into this like I am, and I wish you all the best too. Good luck, and let your guys come to the site and read, and tell them that while you may kick and squeal and cry during a spanking, you won't break, and you will be able to sit again.

Love,

Angie
From: Reived Sent: 3/6/2001 4:03 PM

 

Hello,

I also have not posted before. Great club by the way. I have had an experience the may add a little insight to this topic. I personally have been interested in spanking as far back as I can remember, of course as a child I saw it as an exercise of power and control. When I first started dating my x wife (I was 17 and she 16), I spanked her once for borrowing (stealing) my car (she didn't have a license). Now at this point she was upset but didn't break up with me but actually went around telling most her friends what I had done. Now to me it was a semi-erotic, very controlling exercise. To her it was just discipline. I took me 11 years to realize this but we never met eye to eye when it came to spanking (or anything for that matter, lol). She simply was not "into" it and when I spanked her. She either submitted to it just for my pleasure (which it terrible) or because she thought she deserved it on some level. It was a very immature relationship and of course resulted in divorce. But if there is any advice I can give it is to make sure you have a good understanding about what you really want and talk about why it interests you.

-Matt