SPANKOZ HUMOUR II , the levity continues !...................................

( We do not mean to be offensive , so if it goes the wrong way , use your " Back " button ! )

We welcome your contributions of short pithy spanking and other related humour to :

( There is a special " Do Not Give Up Your Day Job " Award offered , this was not awarded for the suggestion to change the title to " Gallows Humour " ) .

( " The basic premise of this site , if you haven't seen the Pants pages , is to substitute key words in lines from the Star Wars movies with the word ' spank ' to create wonderful one-liners . " )

" I pray you ( , Hillary - sorry it was too good to pass up . ) will bring compassion and spankings back to the senate . "

" Spanking her is dangerous . If word of this gets out it could generate sympathy for the rebellion in the Senate . "

He's maid--says , " Ok , go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun . Go upstairs and kill them both . "

5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says , " Ok , they're both dead . What should I do with the bodies ? "

He says , " Throw them in the pool , and I'll take care of them when I get home . "

Geoff Boycott is an ex England cricketer who took an inordinate time to clock up runs . He was accused of beating a former girl friend . The report said that he hit her some 27 blows : a former England and Yorkshire team mate said : " that must have taken at least a fortnight ! "

A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend . " She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her , " the young man exclaimed .

" Well , I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife , " replied the Boss . " Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her . "

Shaking his head the young guy replied , " That doesn't work . Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore . "

Problem 3

I was at my nephew's house and I found the following in his room : whips , leather , handcuffs , rubber , and bondage gear . What should I do ?

"The Metro Man" replies :

A prostitute took a client to a motel . Before she was willing to submit to him , she demanded a hundred dollars cash . The customer handed her a crisp one hundred dollar bill . As soon as they were undressed , the customer started to spank the prostitute . It was starting to hurt , so she asked , " How long are you going to do this ? " The customer said , " Until I get my money back ! "

President George W. Bush has conclusively demonstrated his love the for all things natural with a little stroll through the woods . In an impromptu jaunt through a wood side copse in Nebraska , Bush and a small contingent comprising about 600 journalists , media analysists and public relations staff who just happened to be aimlessly milling about . W., wearing boots , spurs , lederhosen and feathered three-cornered hat , " cosied up " to a large tree .

" This here tree done seen a lot of history . This tree were here when the Indians roamed the buffalo free. When Jesus gave the sermon on a horse , this tree were here . If Jesus ever visited here , he would have been under the shade of this tree . This tree is very wise , and very precious . This tree is so tall , and so old , and such an eloquent representative of all things green that it might one day represent the Republican Party and the people of the United States of America as their President . "

" Never let it be said that I am not interested in the environment . I love trees . " Mr. Bush concluded with a gesture of affection and love by wrapping his arms around the tree , deftly slipping his tongue into a hollow ( devastating a family of lesser spotted thinglethwangs and traumatising a squirrel ) .

A spokesperson for the California greenhouse lobby group WDWTDMT ( We don't want to die in a mudslide , thanks ) , Ms Cheryl Wheatgerm , responded with great enthusiasm . " We are thrilled that Mr. Bush can recognise a tree . It is such a relief . He cares about the environment . He really does . Obviously we were all wrong about Kyoto , emissions , the greenhouse effect , drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge , letting industry " voluntarily comply " with regulations , building roads through national forests. Someone so sensitive to the environment would never do anything to harm it . Would he ? "

The squirrel is receiving post-trauma counseling .

What is the difference between a Roman legion and a class of naughty schoolgirls ?
The first have ranked spears and the second have spanked rears !

Two young sisters had been out playing with the bigger kids and each had come home with a new expression. Mary’s was “ What the hell ” and Jane’s was “ You betcha ass ” .

The next day their mother asked them what they would like for breakfast . “ You can have porridge or eggs , ” she offered . Mary thought for a moment and then said, “ What the hell – I’ll have porridge . ” Her mother angrily turned Mary over her lap , tucked up her dress , tugged down her panties and spanked her bare bottom very hard for a considerable time . When she’d finished she put the by now loudly crying child in the corner in disgrace .

The mother now turned to Jane , “ And what would you like ? ” she asked , “ You can choose porridge or eggs . ”
Jane looked in some awe at her sister’s bright red bottom . “ Well , ” she said decisively , “ You betcha ass I won’t choose porridge ! ”

The lady dragged her weary self , home after two days work
As she rounded the corner ,something in the shadows lurked
"Oh next door are moving "she thought as she saw the sign
Then thought "just a minute its not theirs its mine !!"

My house is not for sale what brat put that sign there?
I know its bound to be ,a girlie with a very bratty air
I know my cellars neat and the wardrobes full of canes
but this Lady aint for selling so you can think again!

The man must have a guide dog to help him with his sight
cos he's put the bastid thing here ,it did give me a fright
I imagined lots of viewers saying "can we see your house?"
As I'm bending o'er the table with a red and stingy arse

So which one of you was it ?? You pranster or a brat
Whichever one it was , surely needs a proper slap
I sent a heated e mail to the company concerned
and left a phone message to make their ears burn

So if you want a house close by the A fourteen
dont you come here looking , I may cause a scene
This house is bricks and mortar and most of it is mine
So take your sign and stick it where the sun dont shine !!

lady4mark2

From : http://www.britishspanking.com/forums/showthread.php?t=28016